This morning I woke up

I promised you, “you”, or really me, that I would write everyday and that’s what I’m gonna do. I left you last night with us sleeping our first night in our car. It didn’t happen. My friend, the one whose mother just asked us to leave her guest house, asked us to spend the night at her boyfriend’s house. It sounds kinky. SOOOOO not! It was an extremely nice offer and my son was THRILLED. He was worried about having to sleep in the car. I wasn’t so much. I told you last post, I almost wanted it to happen, just to know where we were gonna be the next day. I am grateful for the housing we’ve received, I am, but… I’m not. I don’t know, I just don’t feel grateful. Maybe this makes me ungrateful. I hate that. I know I’m not supposed to be ungrateful, ungrateful is bad and being bad is, well, bad. But you know what? I really don’t feel like I’m bad. I feel like I’m really good. I’ve always been a great mom and great friend. I was a great student. I can’t classify myself as bad. I’m frustrated. Frustrated that every morning we wake up, I’m not sure whether or not we can return. That everyday I have to pack our things and go somewhere else; or, as soon as we start feeling safe and comfortable somewhere, we get asked to leave. Guess we stayed too long. I’m done feeling that way. All our shit is in the car anyway. That’s our go to. Why not just stay there? It’s silly not to. Right now, that is all I can provide for my son. I hate myself for that. That I have never been able to provide for him the kind of life he deserves. But it’s real right now. That’s where we are. I CAN, I AM changing it, but it’s gonna take time. Nothing happens over night. I don’t know why I’m not scared.
I feel like I have this. I have this “nothing” that I’m more grateful for then all the rooms, food and money we’ve been given. It’s an abstract thought, but please try to follow. I have this “nothing”, at least this financial “nothing”. It’s what I have. It’s not what I will have. It’s not what I was meant to have. It’s what I have right now and right now passes pretty quickly. I’m done piecing things together. I can’t handle the stress of it anymore. I know what we need and what we need is a warm, safe, welcoming place to say with no strings attached. It’s a lot. But not really. It’s no more then I would do for somebody that I cared for. A stranger, now that may be a difficulty for me. But someone I know, like and care for, yeah. No problem. We have been fortunate so far. We have been offered a place to stay in one way or another.  And now it’s finished. And maybe, finally, we can stop bouncing. I can’t handle it anymore. I can’t handle the packing up and moving again. I just want what I have right now. It may not be much. But it is what it is and I can rely on it. That’s what we need. Something to rely on.
Of course I’m supposed to be that something to rely on for my son and dog. I was supposed to give them everything that I now need someone else to give to us. I was supposed to figure it out. I was supposed to do everything. And do it alone, by myself, without bothering or worrying anybody else. Which is just bullshit. Worry. Be bothered. God I’m so sick of people getting on me for worrying them. Fucking help if you’re worried GDit… or shut up. I’ve got enough shit to worry about, right??? But nope. I sit and listen, to everybody else’s needs, worries and problems. And I give great advice. People love talking to me. You know some people get paid to sit and listen to others. These people have degrees and licenses to say it’s okay for them to give advice and it’s okay for them to get paid a lot for it. But you need money for those degrees and licenses don’t you. Catch 22. I bet I give better advice and I do it for free. THAT’s my problem. I’ve got to stop giving shit away and learn to get paid like everybody else.
I’m REAL bitter today, as you can tell…
…My experience last night was lovely. We stayed at my friend’s boyfriend’s house. We watched Beauty and the Beast (only animated film to be nominated for “Best Film of the Year” at the Oscars by the way- they made an animated category not too long after that. I think they did it because they felt animated films could never stand up to live action and giving them their own category made it possible for them to be awarded every year. I thinks it’s bull shit. If an animated film is one of the best pictures of the year, it should be nominated as such. That’s it. And if it deserves to win, it should. I think it’s possible.) Sorry for that tangent.
Anyway we made an “American Girls” doll stuffed teddy bear. We didn’t finish it, but we made it. My son didn’t make it, he played Pokemon, but my friend’s daughter and I worked on it. It was fun. All in all the night was sweet. Peaceful…
But not relaxing.
I’ve got this tension in me. It’s been coming up for a while. I can’t fight it. But I want a change. And not just a change in my living situation. Nope. A life change. Of who my friends are and who they are not. Of the type of person I let into my life. Do they really care for me? Do they have my best interests at heart? Or am I just something that is good for them because I’m flattering. Because I’m a good listener and I don’t judge harshly. I make things REAL easy for people. So, somebody come and make things REAL easy for me….
Yeah, no takers I see.
Oh well. I’m done being angry for today. Starting to get a headache and I have to pick up my friend from work anyway.
The next day is on the way. I have to tutor tonight. I love it.  My son is well fed and so is my dog. We’re homeless but not hungry and strangely enough, I’m good with that. I’m good, I’m good, I’m good.
I’ll be back tomorrow.

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