It’s night time now. My son, Shelby and I are safe with my friend at her boyfriend’s house. My son kept saying to me, “so when are we going back up to ****’s house” and
“we’re staying up there tonight Mom, we are”. He’s amazing. He doesn’t have problems asking for things or making sure people know what he wants and needs. He’s more confident then I am. He’s got his Pokemon on his DS. He’s set. I’m too tired right now to think about still wanting to go camping. I think we’d have a blast. But I have to focus on work now. My friend sent me something about a restaurant hiring. Fine. A couple nights a week will do. I can substitute during the day ( with the school year starting ). I’m not passionate about any of it, but it’s not a choice right? So much for not living life on my knees. I’m too tired right now. My head hurts.
I spoke with my friend today. She is living with her children’s grandparents; she just got out of a shelter with her two girls. Horrible. The stories she told me. I’d rather live in my car. She’s out now, thank God. Shelby would have no where to go anyway. And I’d NEVER give her up. She’s family. Once, long ago, when my son was a year old, I was rushed to find an apartment and only had time to find one where Shelby couldn’t live with us. It lasted three months. And when we were staying with our neighbor in March Shelby had to stay with my mother and sister. That lasted a month. So cumulatively Shelby has spent four months away from us. Not acceptable. She’s family.
My writing isn’t really inspired right now, but I wanted to let you know that we are okay; once again blessed with a roof over our heads. I figured out my ingratitude from earlier on. It’s unrest. I can’t get comfortable anywhere. I wrote somewhere once “Home is where my dog is”, because it’s the only home I know. If Shelby is around, no matter if it’s in the car, then I’m home.; because no “place” has actually ever been that way for me. The town I grew up in, Norwalk, it feels like home, but in a broad way; in a familiar, “townie” kind of way, not in a safe, secure, and cozy kind of way. I don’t get that anywhere. And now that we’ve been “couch hopping”, I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to fall. When will I have to pack up again? What did I leave behind at the last place? How much do the people I’m staying with really want me to leave? What is all the whispering about???
I had an upsetting conversation with my best friend today. It made me angry and fed up and really want to be alone. In a nut shell, she wants me to take responsibility for the fact that we are going through all of this because of all the bad choices I’ve made in the past. It’s funny, I’d thought the exact opposite; that despite all the obstacles in my life I’ve made excellent choices and persevered. She doesn’t want us to stay with her. It’s that simple. I never asked actually. I wouldn’t ask anybody. I’m plain bad at asking for help in general, not that it’s good to be that way, but I am. She doesn’t have to offer help. This has been going on for a while now, I didn’t expect her to. I’ve known full well that a few of my friends have extra rooms if not apartments they could offer up. Some have. Others just didn’t. There’s only one place I really want to be right now anyway and it’s the least likely.
I’d love to be swept off my feet right about now, white knight style. I need to curl up and collapse into someone I trust completely. I need to collapse into comfort and peace, into a person who gives me these. Instead, I’ll curl up with my son who is collapsing into me. He’ll fall fast asleep because he is comforted and peaceful and I’ll eat my own need and fill myself full in knowing he’s sound asleep and has what he needs.
We visited his father tonight. I think that’s why I’m wishing for a strong someone to calm me; because his father does just the opposite. He makes me tense, anxious, he gives me unrest. He’s a taker. He always has been. I tend to attract them. He drains me, taking is fill and leaving me to recoup. I’m so glad I don’t have to see him often. He’s a black whole to my soul and a vacuum for my energy. My son loves him, but he’s not comfortable with him. His dad’s been so “in and out” of his life, I think my son’s just not sure of his father’s love for him. It’s not that way with us. I know he loves me like crazy. It’s the way I love him. And he beats up on me (figuratively) too much to not reveal how completely at ease with me he is. His father is just not stable. It’s that simple. Nobody can rely on him. He’s not a bad person. He’s just a taker, and there’s never any return. Done.
But there is someone I wish would return. I think of him often. Of course, I’ve had MUCH bigger issues this summer then to think all day of my unrequited love. All of this mess has been a blessing in disguise regarding this topic. I can’t long for him to much because I’m just too damn put upon with everything else. Still, he’s there, in my mind everyday. I’d like to be with him again; even just to debate for a while. But I’m broke and homeless; I’m a mess and I’ve no confidence for all this right now. He doesn’t call or write, he doesn’t keep in touch anyway. I told you it was unrequited, so it’s really a non-issue. Maybe what really held my interest about him was the fantasies I made up. His voice would sound real good right now though. Oh well, Good night sweet prince. Maybe you can feel me thinking about you. That’d be nice 😉