Where did we leave off?

I called Person to Person and they informed me they couldn’t help anyone outside of the towns of Stamford, New Canaan and Darien, CT. The worker I spoke to directed me (gave me the number for) a worker at a shelter. She felt this lady could help me in my district. So, I called the social worker at the shelter. She told me she couldn’t help me because of the program’s (HPRP- Homeless Prevention and Rapid Re-housing Program) guidelines for helping homeless families. We would have to be living in a shelter to receive assistance with a security deposit to get out of a shelter. That would be impossible for us for two main reasons:
1.) Shelby. She is an integral part of our family unit. There is no way I would give her away to get into a shelter. Yes, I’ve left her with relatives before. I’ve exhausted those resources.
2.) They are hell-wholes. I would sooner expose my son and dog to the potential dangers of highway living then the definite dangers of shelter life. My girlfriend, along with her two girls, was stuck in a shelter for months. She had to live with drug-addicts that left paraphernalia in the bathrooms she and her girls had to use. When she reported it, she was ostracized. They are rackets for government filth. No. I would rather us live in our car.
This is STUPID shit! Why the hell aren’t these programs designed to just HELP THOSE THAT NEED IT. What the fuck with all the guidelines. We have to live in a shelter first! NOOO! I’ve worked my ass off to avoid shelters, they aren’t good places. Help me know, so my son never has to experience one!
So my day today has been spent calling one program or another just to be redirected from one to the other because they all said they couldn’t help. I was able to contact the LCSW for the town of Wilton and she is always helpful and easy to talk to. She is also, unfortunately, unable to help. The state of the economy has drained local funds. She saw record high requests for help last year, in a town which is know for it’s affluence. And all of this is what I’ve been dealing with for months. Days spent on the phone to reach one person or another, or spent in front of a computer to re-write my resume for the tenth time in hopes it will appeal to this or that employer I found over Monster.com or Careerbuilder.com, all to not even get a phone call. Then, to deal with the condescending attitude of both my mother and sister who accuse me of doing nothing all day, not understanding why, when they get home from work, I need a nap to get rid of my headache… it’s been way too much. Then I get thrown out because I don’t respect people and refuse to listen. If they had to deal with the phone calling I do, the attempted networking, the researching, the scrambling, they wouldn’t question my integrity the way they do (did).
My son is seeing his aunt for the first time in three weeks. After she kicked us out, I cast her from my life. I can’t hold grudges that long though. True I don’t need someone that negative and deconstructive in our lives. But also true, I know, in her backward way she loves my son and he loves her too. She has no right to tear me down in front of my son. Then, wonder why he doesn’t respond to my parenting (????) How can I permanently cast aside a sister though? Putting her out isn’t as easy for me as it was for her to do the same to me. She called to ask my son if he wanted to go to a Yankee game. I couldn’t say no. She is not a danger to him; he has good times with her. So, she is taking him to a Yankee game. Yet another reason she wins his approval and support so easily, because she can buy him. And then to hear my son echo her words and tell me to “get a job” and “see it’s your fault because you want some big job and you know what mom, it’s not going to happen, you need to just take anything”… completely oblivious to the fact that taking “just anything” was what I’d been doing for the past 10 months and in no way helped us avoid this situation. Like I said, working full time, making $1600 per month, doesn’t keep us in the town he has grown up in. It didn’t keep us in any town.
About a week and a half after we had to leave our apartment in March I was offered an apartment in a neighboring town. OFFERED!!! But I couldn’t take it. Without a strong income, I couldn’t afford the rent. It’s not as easy as everyone (far removed from the situation) seems to think. And to be honest, the fact that they question that I know what the hell I’m talking about really pisses me off.
(Sigh). That actually felt good.
Sitting at Starbucks. Their tiramisu cup is re-damn-diculous. Ridiculous!!!! I put the spoon in and couldn’t stop until I hit bottom. It lasted less then 30 seconds. I was hungry.
So now, my belly is full and my blog is written for the day. I hope things gel over the weekend. Sometimes it takes a little time away for things to settle and become what they need to be. And I start a new job on Monday. It is a small, part-time position, but it is income. And after all this summer without income, It feels good to know I’ll be adding instead of subtracting again.

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