New Beginnings

      My son and I slept in our new apartment for the first time last night. Half of our stuff is still locked up tight in a public storage unit which I will not be able to access for a while, so our make shift lawn chair beds will have to do. We stayed up all night talking to each other. Shelby’s dinner was a rotisserie chicken from Stop and Shop. We helped her a bit, but her tummy’s pretty full. Our appliances aren’t completely hooked up yet, so I couldn’t cook or buy anything that required refrigeration. That is why our dinner consisted of beef jerky and cookies LOL! We had such a great night. I felt a rush of joy that I haven’t felt for a while. We have a home again… I think.
     This joy was stifled by the nagging fear at the back of my mind. We still have such a long way to go to repair. This apartment will not officially be ours until Friday at which time I still owe $900 to the land lady. In all fairness, I’ve said, the appliances still aren’t hooked up, so the apartment is technically not ready, but still. I’ve reached out for help and gotten a lot. I am so grateful for everything that everyone has done. At this point, I need a whole lot of heart and a little bit of luck to make things work. It is possible. I believe anything is possible and despite the disappointments, set backs, fuck-ups and attacks I’ve suffered, that belief has not faltered. It feels so good to wake up to my family in our new home. I’ve learned an AMAZING amount about myself over the past few months. I am not responsible with money, but I’ve learned how to make major cut backs. I’ve learned that everything I thought I needed I do not need. Our egos play tricks on us and disguise wants as needs. Ego is a VERY difficult thing to get into check. So often, in myself and what I’ve observed in others, we mistake our egos for our souls. We listen to our wants and fears, which are manifestations of our egos, instead of listening to our souls, which I believe only feel love. The soul is that part of us that can and seeks to connect to everything around us, that is naturally part of everything other life force and element. When we allow ourselves to shut out our egos, our souls will connect easily to our world- our communities, our planet, our stars. It’s limitless. The ego is so LOUD though. It over powers the subtle vibes the soul connects to, interfering with our ability to connect. I’m egotistical. I don’t like it but I am. Everyday I strive to put my ego into check. So much of what I identify as myself is my ego; an invented projection of who I am based on what I believe everybody, every situation wants me to be. It’s an educated guess at best. So I try to listen to my intuition often; it’s our soul’s speaker system. It’s that occasional blast of truth rooted in the subconscious, cutting through our egos to guide us conscientiously. That is why I am sure we can all feel what and when we’ve done something that diverges from what is good. In life, goodness is equal to balance. Positivity and negativity are part of this balance. Some situations, organisms, chemicals, souls need a little more of one then the other. Like atoms, we all need our own amount of electrons to balance out our own amount of neutrons. It’s simple, and if we listen to our intuition we can always find this balance. Our egos are what throw us off. So, theatrically, we can have a little too much positivity. Positivity in the sense of the opposite of negativity, not in the sense of goodness. This universe is vast. Some theorize it is ever expanding. That means that possibilities are limitless. But EVERYTHING has it’s balancing point. That is when things work. When vibes are in tune and orbits are smooth and finding balance is easy, if you quiet your ego. There is inside of us all a soul that is directing us toward balance. If we follow where it leads us we will find our place. Wanting is deceptive. It’s tricky because it is always tainted by our egos. I believe that our souls want, in a directional sense. They want to tell us the way to our balance. And when we are on the way to it, or when we’ve achieved it, what we experience is peace; a sense of rightness that permeates every aspect of us.
Whatever inspired my thoughts today comes from a place of hope. Despite my fears, wielded from years of disappointing and hurtful experiences, I have this undying sense of hope. I seem to be able to find my balance regardless of external experiences that would threaten it.
I’ve gone off on a tangent. The purpose of this blog was to share my experiences of being homeless with you. But maybe this tangent is a manifestation of a directional change, because my experience being homeless is coming to an end. We are in the home stretch now. The light at the end of the tunnel is visible, but still so vulnerable. I’ve put my faith in the future but I’m still so afraid that something is going to trip me in this little stretch of dark I have yet to move through. I’m weary today, because some how I know that though I see the light, though I am in the home stretch, I am not yet out of the dark. This isn’t just because of what I still don’t have, it’s what I still don’t know, or have yet to understand. I am worried about our future. I want to KNOW that everything is certain, but I don’t. It’s a weakness born of my ego. I want to KNOW because I want to CONTROL. It isn’t in my hands though. My soul knows the flow. It feels the vibe and hears the music and right now I am getting in my own way. I have a list of things to do today. I’ll simplify my mental muddle with the focus on doing one thing at a time. With taking one step at a time to allow my soul the time to direct me. I have hope. I feel the way. I have only to allow it to take me.
Thank you so much for everything, to all of you who have been rooting for us and loving us.
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