Frustrated and back again.

     My son, Shelby and I are happy, healthy and loved. And still I feel anxious. I know that in the month to come we will have a home. But I’m frightened about October. I still don’t have any permanent work and that is a problem. Of course, I love acting, it’s always on my mind. But that was never reliable income. So, for now I’m looking for some permanent job that will pay my bills, but allow me quality time for my son. I hate when people preach to me about working hard. None of them seem to remember that being a mother is a full time job. One that I have to spend time away from in order to do the work that provides for us. And that is the work that has not come easy. I am a substitute teacher. I can not be a permanent sub ( I just found out) because I do not have my teaching certification. I can’t get my teaching certification because I do not have the money to pay for it. Catch 22? Absolutely. Why is money always a qualifier? Is that the only way we’ve been able to come up with to facilitate equal opportunity? If you can afford it, you can have it? Because that’s not equal opportunity. And one of my very best friends couldn’t hold a candle to me in the intelligence department, or as a teacher, but she is certified and has a masters degree so she will get the job. Or at least be considered for it. I can’t even walk through the door. It’s frustrating. I wish I could have gone straight on to finish a Masters program. It took me 11 years to finish my BA. But I got there. Almost. Until I finish paying my school, which has been over a year now, they hold my transcripts on lock down. So I don’t even have my diploma. I have a cum laude graduation status, but no diploma. Because I can’t pay. And that is the hidden qualifier. The ability to pay. It makes me so mad I want to blast the entire education system, filled to the brim with not the best of the best, but the best of those that can afford it. It belittles our country. It belittles our integrity as a people and it belittles our ability to progress. Education and money. Health care and money. I swear to the Good Lord, if you are an American without money you’re like a bee with no stinger… dead.

    Obviously I am very frustrated tonight. I’m sorry for the out pouring of negativity. I have had many beautiful things happen to me through out these past few months and I am humbled and inspired by it. I’d like to write a little about that before I go to bed, just to put me in the right frame of mind. But maybe what I need is not to forget my frustrations, but to figure out how to turn them into something progressive. Writing has been a God sent. I like seeing my ideas on a page and being able to review them, revise them and even respond to them. I’m the master of the Socratic method; deconstruction for the purpose of proper reconstruction- weeding out the weak points. But I’ll debate with myself. Oh yes… full on conversations. It’s the way I think. Entirely out loud. Call me crazy. I don’t mind. And I wouldn’t argue.

    But beyond my angst: My son is having his first sleepover in our new place! I felt bad about not having snacks for the kids and them having to sleep on an air mattress, but the wild things seemed to have fun. They knocked themselves out around 11:30 p.m. They were waiting to use the computer I’m typing on right now. I promised I’d hand it over once I was finished blogging. Who knew I had three blogs in me? No, honestly, I didn’t. My son had hogged the computer for the past two days. I was tweeting from my phone (excuse all the typing errors). And I was so sick I couldn’t keep my eyes open for long, so I really didn’t mind. But I had a creative build up. And now I can’t stop. Poor kids. They waited patiently. And they bored themselves to sleep in the process. Oh I love it. Now they are sound asleep, well fed and I even got them to brush their teeth. Maybe I’m not such a bad mom after all? I really adore them. Substituting has taught me so much about wrangling children, especially when they have no initial respect for you. Of course, not the case here as I’m speaking of my son and one of his best friends, but still, they get out of hand, these young men. I have a difficult time gaging when to intervene on the pillow fights, which OUCHES are sincere ones, when to say when, when to call time out and when to just let them play. I’ve done my best. And now they’re sound asleep. It’s God’s little reward, so I must have done something right.

    As I was writing, I discovered something to be grateful for. I’m stressed about next month, money coming in, boys at play; in other words, small stuff. And that is because I’m safe, with a warm and well situated roof over my head and a full belly to go to sleep on. And so naturally, I’ve found bull shit to complain about. I shake my head at myself. Oh Michelle; you really have a lot of work to do. Which I’m also grateful for. Because I don’t have time to be bored. I have jobs to search for. I have opportunities to pursue. And I have a book to read! Oh soooo indulgent- LOL.  I need a boyfriend *Must love kids and dogs*  ;P 

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