Yesterday felt like my possibilities were limitless. Today I feel like a fool for thinking so. I had a job interview that went really well but I couldn’t get to my tutoring client. My phone service has been disconnected for non-payment and so I couldn’t call my client. I have an empty gas tank, so I don’t know how I’ll get anywhere today. I’m supposed to go to a last training session for a part time job I got. I can’t call and rearrange the time for that last training session and reschedule my tutoring client for today because I don’t have a phone to connect with them. I will try to email. I don’t know if that will work. My computer is burning up, I think because it’s battery is shot. Apple just replaced an adapter cord for me because the one I purchased in April melted! And now, I’m not so sure this one won’t do the same. My car brakes are grinding. I shouldn’t be driving anywhere. There is NO INCOME. I can’t work. I can’t talk. I can’t communicate. I can’t I can’t I can’t.
It’s all coming down on me and nothing is okay. Even food stamps have been cut off by the friggin’ state because I owe them fucking paper work that I can’t get to them because I have no GOD DAMN gas in my tank. I need gas to get places. I have to get in touch with my clients. I can’t do this. I’m so done being here.
My son’s father owes me $3,000 in back child support, not including the past 5 weeks he hasn’t paid. Every time I ask him for the money he tells me to “get a job”, which degrades me and rips at me and kicks the shit out of me because I already feel fucking worthless. I really can’t do this. I’m so done with CAN’T. God damn it I’m so done being limited because I’m having a hard time. What the fuck! Why can’t I fall, or be weak for a while and not suffer dyer consequences for it. I need to know what the fuck I’m supposed to do. What the fuck am I supposed to do????
I feel like throwing everything. Beating it, smashing it, breaking it. There is NOTHING, NOTHING about this situation that is what I deserve. And that lousy stinking father of his cares about one thing, himself. But I can’t even pick up the God Damn phone and call him to tell him off. Every week fucking child support is supposed to come in. It doesn’t. He only has to pay $79 per week, and he pays Nothing, NOTHING. Each week that would cover most of the gas I have to put in my tank, if it came in on time. And the first week in Sept. is over. So what happens to us now? I can’t work. How do I fucking get anywhere, get to work? To interviews? What the fuck am I supposed to do??? I hate everything about the world today and do not, DO NOT want to do anything but hit and hurt and rip and tear back the way I’m being ripped and hurt and torn at. I can’t feel anything but pain. And I hate everything about everything. I feel like a caged animal. How much am I supposed to do??? WHAT am I supposed to do??? I’m tired of praying. Nobody fucking listens. Nobody hears, or fixes. And YES! YES all you God awful FUCKED up “positivity” dead-heads, I CAN NOT fix everything by myself. I can’t stand asking for Money again. Jesus Christ, all I’ve been doing is asking for money- since February. “Can you lend me some gas money”, “I just need this for food” FUCK THIS!!!!!! Why I am a fucking beggar?? I AM NOT A FUCKING BEGGAR. I have too much ability to be begging for food and cash. It’s September. Aren’t things supposed to be getting better??? I have been begging for them to get better. Where is the help???
And DAMN IT don’t tell me to help myself. I’ve been busting my fucking ass to help myself. And I’m still here. I’m still in this same GOD AWFUL place I’ve always been. No further, no better, no safer, no more stable. I should curl up on the fucking street and fade into oblivion. I’m done. I’m so fucking done with all this shit.