Desperado

I wrote this as a response to my twitter friend’s blog- found here:
VISIT HER. She’s worth the time.
But after spell checking and editing it I realized this- I’M TALKING TO MYSELF HERE. 
I was actually having an “AH HA!” moment regarding my own behavior and It shook me. 
I like sharing my quakes with you. And thank you, once again, Stephanie, for the inspiration 🙂
Hey there Desperado. You gotta let somebody love you, before it’s too late ;) .
Seriously.
I don’t know all the details, these people could have been total assholes. You’ve only known them a short time so maybe they weren’t real friends. BUT. Yep. Big BUT… If you keep blocking people, they’re gonna keep turning away. I LOVED your most recent tweet “Is it too much to ask for someone, anyone to love me so much that they fight for me? Persistence and endurance prove your love to me.” I have ALWAYS felt that! One of my best girlfriends too. BUT- do they stop chasing after you because they don’t care, or because they’re retreating from the spikes and fireballs you’re throwing at them? And as a child, did your parents expect you to fight for their attention as they were walking away from you? Because all it looked like to you was them not caring, and it felt like you not being loved.
You do it on purpose. Because that’s what you need. It’s what you’ve been deprived of. Someone that will fight for you, unconditionally. Problem is that so late in the game (you know, anytime after five years old) other people are so far ahead of us, they don’t realize WHY you need to be fought for. It’s not that most people couldn’t love you. They’re just getting your message “don’t love me” and they’re respecting your request. They (like all of us at 5) have been brainwashed since kindergarten to “do what they’re told”, obey what somebody else tells them. It’s pretty lame but it is how we raise human beings. So, when you shut down, they read those cues and do what you tell them. I know how badly you need that one person who can see through all your bullshit posturing and defensiveness. You really do need it. But while you wait in loneliness, try this- pick your head up and look at somebody. Stop dropping it into your lap in hopes you’ll disappear because you’re so damn ashamed of who you are- for no GOOD reason at all. Because the truth is, deep inside, you want to be seen, you want to be heard. And you want to care for others. That’s why you’re on here. Blogging your ass off. You know you’re a voice worth listening to. Your upbringing just taught you to believe that everything you want is selfish and everything you think is worthless AND that retreating is the best way to deal with things. But YOU don’t really believe that. Take a leap of FAITH. It’s scary as hell. It’s gonna feel like you’re pushing yourself off a very steep cliff. DO IT. Think of it this way- would falling be any worse then staying stuck and miserable the way you are now? It’s worth the risk. Just for the chance of change. LOOK people in the eye. Dare to believe in your GUT instincts, not the ones that were trained into you by your abusive past. You’ve got to beat up on that. You’ve got to demolish it. It’s standing in your way of OH so many opportunities, not only for friendships, but for future successes.
Maybe THESE people weren’t really worth it. BUT other people I’m sure may have been, and you’ve pushed them away. It’s what you’re used to. People leaving you. So now, you make it happen. Stop it. Jump off the cliff of STOP IT. Take the leap of faith in doing things a different way. I KNOW how hard it is. It’s almost like opening your mouth to speak a different language you don’t know. But do it. Even if you’re just mimicking somebody’s else’s behavior right now. See how they converse. See how they engage others, eye contact, smiling, maybe even a giggle. It may seem “fake” to you right now. So what. It’s only practice. To see how a “different” way feels, until you develop your own style. Remember, you’re just a child really, learning something that was never taught to you, so mess ups will occur. Keep practicing. Keep experimenting. Not with dangerous stuff, just silly stuff. Even failures will be successes because they’ll be the “what-not-to-does” and you’ll learn from them. MOST People actually LOVE it when you look at them. Because most of them were raised in households where as children they were the center of somebody’s attention. That is what THEY are used to. That is what THEY are expecting. Like your daughter will because you treat her RIGHT. She will be expecting a person to pay attention to her, flatter her, ask her if she’d like some more, serve her, be attentive to her. That’s what most people want- ATTENTION. But you and I, we’re more comfortable with people walking away. That’s what we were taught. And it’s ruining our lives. So mimic others for now. Just for practice.
AND STOP CALLING YOURSELF CRAZY. You’re NOT crazy. Crazy people do not have the ability to self analyze the way you do. But if you keep calling yourself crazy then you’re allowing others to do so as well. And, you’re NOT. Really. NOT at all. You just have to learn how to believe you deserve this interaction with others.
As an objective reader let me reenforce this: The fact that people around you have to go to the hospital to visit others is NOT them leaving you. It’s a call to arms for YOU to be of service to them. God is saying HEY! Here’s a real easy trial run. They need help. A loved one is in the hospital. Ask them if they need a ride, if they want to talk, or let them know you wish them well and they can call and talk after they return, if they need to talk. Because from the outside, all that anybody would see when you get upset with them because they’re leaving you to visit a loved one in the hospital is- a selfish, angry, and perhaps demented bitch who only cares about herself. They’re going to get that angry. Because who wouldn’t understand the feelings they have toward a loved one being in the hospital?
Well, I get it.
Our family members aren’t people we’d particularly miss. Except for our children. Imagine, if your daughter were in the hospital. How would you want somebody to treat you? What would you need from them? And if they were sulking in a corner thinking only of what they needed from you- what kind of person would you think they were? Now I KNOW you aren’t a selfish, demented bitch. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I know where your reactions are coming from. In fact, you may be mimicking your mother and father- who were always threatening to leave. That’s the way people behave from your experience. So you walk away instead of engage with the other person who, well, needs you.
Don’t do it. Engage them. Give them what you’ve always needed and break that God awful pattern. Do it for you, not for them, whoever they are. Don’t shut down and walk away. You’re mimicking your parents when you do. Stay open. You’re gonna have to force yourself at first. But DO IT. Because your abandonment issues are affecting you two fold. They are making you feel unworthy of attention, while simultaneously telling you to treat others the way your parents treated you; Walk away from them when they need you, Back down, shut down, because you’re so afraid inside, Afraid to care, afraid to engage, afraid to – be yourself- because you feel so worthless inside. But you aren’t worthless. People are giving you the opportunity to be loved. To love them. DO IT. Whether you’re afraid or not. DO IT.
The next time you feel that impulse, that feeling of ‘why are they leaving me?’- pick your head up and say this very simple phrase- “Well, if you need anything- just call”. And then get up and walk out. Then, you’ve
A.) acknowledged that you’re an asset to someone &
B.) validated their feelings.
In one easy and simple jester you’ve obliterated two of the worst things your parents taught you which are:
A.) you’re worthless
B.) retreat when the going gets rough
Simple. But not easy. And I know that. But I also know you WANT your life to change. And you want it enough to try. So DO IT. Try. You’ll mess up a little. But you’ll eventually see what I mean.
Chin up for now. EYE CONTACT damn it! It’s another way of saying “I’m worth it and so are you” ! Imagine that. Giving confidence to others BY giving it to yourself. Now that’s a win/win !!!
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