I’m home alone tonight. It’s peaceful and I feel human again. My furniture is here, out of storage and rent is definitely paid for another month. And the wind is blowing softly outside. I here the hush of night time and the chill of autumn and my head gently tilts to the right in a melancholy manor. I miss you. And I don’t know why. And if I could choose I would not be alone tonight I’d be with you. Douglas is with his father. His life is getting more wonderful by the day. This one thing has been the main thing that has fed my happiness of late. It makes me warm to know that my son’s life is a good one, one that I feel is worthy of him. Now, with his bedroom coming together, his computer set up once more, his space in our home defined I don’t even care that my room is a storage closet for unpacked boxes. I care that he has a room again. That he’s not going to sleep on an air mattress anymore; but even that was better then the car. And right now I’m realizing that one day I may not be able to remember all the horrible things I felt when we were homeless, but I’ll feel all my happiness that much deeper and fully. If there are scars left over, they will become streams for happiness and contentment and reach to places that I’d never have accessed were it not for the scars that paved the way. Isn’t that funny? Pain memorialized with happiness, hunger with fulfillment and despair with hope. I like the way that twisted. I like that turn. And I’m warm tonight, despite my loneliness. Shelby is with me. And I am happier for her today then I was yesterday. It’s a good feeling, to realize how lucky you are. Funny. I never thought of myself as lucky. But I’m feel lucky now and that I’m in the stream I should be. And I’m finally trusting it. And not letting doubt knock me around. And every splash I take in the face isn’t making me feel less lucky. It’s making me feel more alive. I’m awake now. And experiencing “bad things” in a better way. And I don’t really know how I got here. Maybe it’s because times are going better for me. That could be it. But how did I get here? I can only turn around and see a blurred and dark land scape and feel relief that it is behind me. I never realized I had this strength. And I like believing in myself. And as I type on the computer, on this chilly fall evening, I know that I’m ready to share myself with somebody. Somebody that is a very special someone that I’ve thought about everyday since I met him. And I know it will be if he believes in me too. And after all this, silly love is still what inspires me. I still am silly in love. But I like myself much better now and am grateful for my silliness. After all this time, I’m still part little girl and that is encouraging. Because life could not break me. I’ve maintained a innocence that listens to dreams and speaks to butterflies and marvels at blades of grass. And nobody can take it from me. I’m proud of that. I’m happy for it. And right now because of it I do not feel as lonely as I would without it. And I’m smiling.
This is the song I’ve been listening to by the incomparable Whitney Houston. Nobody will ever be like her again. And I marvel at her every time.