Today is that day

Today is the day that I could walk out and not look back for a long time. Because today I don’t want to be a mother. I want to walk out of my house and leave everything, especially him and I just don’t give a fuck. Today is that day, when I wish I’d reconsidered abortion. Yeah. Today is that day. It’s the day I think about all the things I could have done, should have done, if I’d never become a mom. If I had followed my own path and been young and not wasted my youth on someone else. Today is that day. It’s the day I can’t help but realize that I’m living isnthis shit hole too. That it’s not just him, it’s not just what I’ve done to him or how I haven’t provided him with enough; it’s the day I’m thinking I’m stuck here too- and if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be. If it weren’t for him I’d have found someone who loved me, because men prefer young, beautiful, unattached girls to woman that are broke with a kid. It’s the day I remember all the dreams I had and wish I had a chance at them again. It’s the day I exploded on him. I promised to send him to military school this time; secretly for my own good more then his. So I can get myself back. So I can breath easy and not fucking worry about the way it’s going to affect somebody else. Today’s the day I want to walk.
Walk the fuck out.
Walk the fuck out and not come back.
And I’d leave my dog too.
Because today is the day that I’m done. And angry to the point of violence. And I’m tired from it. Exhausted from the stress and faced with a life of my own making but not the one I wanted. I chose it, but I didn’t want it and it’s bitter and painful to swallow. And I could die today too and not give a shit.
Today is that day.
So why am I still here?

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