Hidden

A couple months ago I blogged about a man I know- the blog was titled “Gilded Mediocrity”- here’s the link:

http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/2011/08/guilded-mediocrity.html

I’m mindful of it now more then I have been since I wrote it because the stark reality of what is allowed to some and denied to others has hit me hard over the last few days. I saw him again. And it was worse then before. And because of the line of work he is in I wonder – is it my obligation to put him on blast and hold him accountable for his irresponsible behavior, or can I just walk away, should I just walk away, and let karma do what it does if it in fact will do so this time? Is it my place? Is it any one’s place, to call out something we know is bad? Or are we doing something bad because we may get someone else in trouble?

I know this man intimately. He has done plenty to me to give me good reason to seek revenge. So if I tell what I know is it or is it not just a jealous woman striking out? For certain that is trivial behavior. To seek revenge is infantile. But is it revenge when it’s serious business? When the safety and well being of others is at risk including the individual himself?

I’m struggling with this answer because I feel guilty. Had he reciprocated my feelings would I still be feeling this way?

Answer-
YES.

I would. Only I’d blast him in person instead of on this page. I’d rant and rave and yell and scream and cry and beg because if he’d reciprocated any of my feelings I’d feel that all those things might help in some way. But they won’t. He continues to live a lie. To advertise himself as a rehabilitation specialist while getting high and drunk just feet from where he is rehabilitating others. He is on TV. Nationally promoting a system and facility of his design, being quoted in magazines, newspapers and websites as an expert on parenting, when he has no control and integrity in his own person. It makes me sick. Not from my anger, but from my confusion. Because I want to bury everything I know and pretend it doesn’t exist. If I yell this out loud he will never forgive me. Just as my son’s father would never forgive my decision to have his child. Because he knew his child in the world would expose everything ugly about himself he was trying to hide. And I’m the enemy; Enemy number one. I’m to blame for not allowing them to hide. Their own choices are never to blame. I’ve learned so much about addicts that disappoints me.

And I want to say nothing. Even now, I do not have the strength to say his name, reveal who he is, because I don’t want his hatred, his accusations, his admonishments. They’d hurt like hell. Because I can’t get over him. And so I’m enabling him. Just like all the rest.

But am I? Is it not my right and perhaps the right course of action to simple take myself out of this scenario? Fate will catch up with him. People always end up doing themselves in. But in the process, how many others get hurt or fall prey? But I’m not a hero. And I don’t want to be. I want to be happy and lately I’ve been miserable. Miserable at home and sick in the heart. And I can’t be anymore. I hate the indecision. I hate the turmoil. And that is right now my strongest motivating force. To get myself right I have to move away from this. I have to do no more with it. But I feel wrong in the process.

This is real for me. It has been way before I met him and will be afterward. And here I stand. All alone because of it. Because I can’t ignore what I know is wrong but really can’t do anything about it.

Who would I tell?
Who would listen to me?
I’m a broke single mom with six blog readers.
He’s a wealthy, ivy league graduate, nationally syndicated.

Why would anyone believe I was anything more then a jealous harpy?
And then I’d be ruined and damned deeper.

It’s better to walk away. I hate it but it’s true. Because I stand to loose a whole lot too.
Is that what the early witnesses of Sandusky’s behavior thought? Yet another man seeming to be “helping” children, when really he was just luring them in.

He’s threatened me. He’s told me if I blast him I’ll have war. He attacked me physically after inviting me to his home. I believe I’m a drug to him and it’s easier for him to lash out at me and place the blame on me then look at himself and take responsibility for his actions. I’m tired and depressed by this whole ordeal. Fair enough what I know I will pass on to anyone who asks. He’s horrendous and I feel terrible about it. I believed in him but he was a fantasy not the truth. His truth is far too ugly for him to wear in public. Best to let go,… and let Jesus take the wheel.

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6 thoughts on “Hidden

  1. expose him for being a hypocrite with disgusting interpersonal skills? so……expose him for being…. a flawed human? he's a man who does good work, but has made huge mistakes toward himself and others. you know my view on this. let "it" and him go. move forward, not backward. make good come from the hideous – don't get mired in the muck. he behaved like an ass. that doesn't mean his program isn't valid and helpful to others. many people offer a brilliant gift to society while being depraved degenerates in their private lives. roman polanski is a brilliant filmmaker….AND he raped a 15 yr old girl. i could give a thousand more examples… your dude is not a nazi intent on genocide, he's just a guy full of hurt and shame trying desperately to hide that by manipulating things and people. that's his truth. what's your truth? bottom line is all that you can control is your own mindset – any gratification you feel for exposing his flaws will be tiny in comparison to the reward you'll feel from finding your true happiness.p.s. next time someone attacks or threatens you like that, YOU call the police. his having a recorded domestic violence incidence will do enough damage to his reputation in due time.

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  2. Nic,To find my truth I must start by being honest with myself. And this happened to me. I've shared my life on this page, why would I omit this? The only reason would be to protect him and I will not do that. This happened. And I'm sure I am part to blame, but his behavior is 100% about him, not me. His shame, his fear, it's all him. I do not blame myself for that. But I would blame myself for skipping over this, for hiding it. I actually wrote it earlier this month. I kept it hidden. Just like my feelings for him. My feelings of disappointment and upset in how he lived compared to what he preached. And I wasn't honest with him. I could never support that sort of hypocrisy. Yes. Hypocrisy. I do believe in the work he does, but he compromises that every time he chooses to get high and he has to be held accountable. Would he not still be brilliant at what he did if he were sober? If he weren't abusing drugs, alcohol and ummm… women, 20 feet from where others are rehabilitating. Yeah. He'd actually be better at it. I think so. He didn't just behave like an ass Nic, he behaved like a monster. I still have that image of him in my head. And it's abusive just in how drastically it contrasts with the soft and tender person I remembered from 40 minutes before. The confusion is oppressive. And I will not work through this by keeping it secret. BUT, I do have to focus on me here, on why, OH WHY I've allowed someone like this into my life on so many different occasions. Yes. I grew up in an abusive household where violence was normal. This is a large part of it. Men with big hands are familiar to me. But I have to learn to surround myself with love and light. With people who care. I do this when I am around you 🙂 I do this when I am around my other girlfriends:) What I now have to focus on is doing this when it comes to men. To stop looking for my daddy and start looking for partner. There it is. Love you LOTS!

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  3. YES!!! that's it! that's the positive revelation i was hoping to hear!!! you got it, girl. HIS issues are HIS, not yours to co-op. your light shines brightest when people like him are not in your world dimming your spirit. can't wait for you to purge him. he's a despicable creature right now (yet still a child of god – we all are!), he's not fit for partnership with you. move on – AWAY FROM HIM (and away from his drama).if you really want to out him, do it. people would want to know and maybe it will affect his business in a way that forces him to conquer his demons and addictions. i just worry that it will turn into a he-said/she-said battle and will consume you in negativity rather than create positive progress towards your own happiness. you can also report him to the BBB or to whichever agencies regulate/monitor/rate rehab centers. or you can write a letter to the producers of the show he appears on. and of course, there's always the artistic route: create a performance or documentary piece about him.but again, my "advice" would be to focus on the positive lesson, turn the page and concentrate on loving yourself, so that you aren't susceptible to this kind of tyrant again.either way – whether you out him or not – i think it's important to make a decision quickly and move on. all this contemplating about him just prolongs your attachment to this pain. why drag this trauma with you into the new year?

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  4. EXACTLY! I don't want this trauma ANYMORE!!! All I know is this, if I am asked I will not hide what I know. As confidently as I once recommended his service I will have no choice but to cry out in warning. He is not right in the head and though I will not attack him I will also not lie for him.

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  5. Michelle,,

    I highly suggest you remove the links to my name and business immediately. Other wise there will be trouble for you.. I do not live in CT anymore and just want peace. Do not make me put more energy into this that it deserves. JUst take it down and leave me alone..and Ill do the same for you..

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