Unsettled

I’ve been quiet lately. There’s a dim tremble beneath my skin, inside my veins that’s telling me I’m unsettled. Something isn’t right. I’ve been rattled off my path again. Focus is the only answer. I’ve known myself for a life time now and I’m not a simple person. I’m complicated and that complicates the way I interact with my surroundings but I know who I am and I am not a quiet person. When I’m quiet something is wrong. Something is wrong now. A lot of things are happening at once and my life is changing in big ways. My sister is leaving CT. She is moving near to my brother’s family in Texas. Her decision came after she got laid off from her job running a local business for the past 15 years. It was a difficult time for her but moving has given her a new hope of a fresh start. I couldn’t be happier for her. But my mother is a lingering concern. She has lived with my sister for the past six years. They’ve been roommates for the most part but my sister always takes the lead. Prior to moving in with my sister my mother rented a one bedroom apartment in her friends house. She’s hoping that will become available again. I’m not sure it’s going to happen anytime soon. So that leaves me. I have no choice but to open my home to her; she’s my mother, there is no choice really, she’ll always have a place to stay with me. But we can’t live together. She kicked me out when I was 19 years old for being “selfish”. I’ve been on my own, for the most part, ever since. There have been a grand total of 2 1/2 years since Douglas was conceived where I’ve lived under the same roof as my mother and that has always been as a roommate. I recently remembered fondly the days from my childhood that I could remember my mother caring for me but those memories are distant ones. I’ve been on my own, struggling for so long. The truth is extra money in my household could be a blessing right now. But the additional truth is we really don’t have any room for her. She’d have to live in the living room for now. I can’t say where she’ll end up but she has a way of settling that is unsettling. Even if she’s miserable in a situation she won’t leave. She hates my sister. They’ve NEVER gotten along, yet she has faithfully lived with her for the past six years just because. I don’t understand that mind set. But then again maybe I do a little. I’ve stayed in many negative situations over the years just because they were familiar. My mother is all too familiar with misery. She invites it and invents it. I really don’t know what’s going to happen yet but the uncertainty is unsettling and so is the prospect of my mother moving in for a while. We did stay with her and my sister last year for a couple of months. She was throwing us out before the end of the first day. It’s what she does; disposes of people so she doesn’t have to share. It’s the story of my life. A devouring mother. For those of you who have one, you know what I mean. For those of you who don’t- good. I hope you don’t experience anything like it. It was a literary term one of my professors used as we analyzed literature. A devouring mother is a mother who feeds off her children, who uses them as her source of nourishment regardless of how sickly it’s making them. The lives of her children mean nothing. She is the center of her world and they only get to share the spot light when and if it flatters her. This is a devouring mother. This is what I was raised by. And though I remember feeling loved by her in my youth… things have not been that way for many years and now, as all of us, my brother, sister and I, have predicted she will need to start living off of us again. My brother has insisted on her moving down to Texas. He could set her up in senior living housing that is beyond affordable. She refused and became furious with him. My sister and I have tried to talk with her. She refuses. She doesn’t want to leave CT. With my sister gone only Douglas and I will be left up here for her. Living with us will, I’m sure, make her wish we had moved away as well. As much as my mother needs us to share rent with she hates sharing space with us as much as we do with her. She’d do well on her own but CT is not the place where that is financially realistic. I don’t know what will happen. I am unsettled. I won’t let her go without a place to stay. And for now, I will try to see the extra income as a blessing… it’s what I need right now anyway. Maybe this is the universe doing it’s strange dance with the necessary again. I don’t know. It’s not what I want, it’s not what I planned but hey “People plan, God laughs” right? Yeah. He’s getting a good chuckle right now.
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