You asked if I felt a connection with you and what bothered me was I didn’t. I’ve always felt a disconnect and that’s what has possessed me. I wanted to understand the depth of the divide, make light out of the dark. With every chasm I came across I was compelled to shed light into it’s depth. This is problematic for I usually end up throwing myself into black wholes in attempt to bring light to them. Some places light is not appropriate and perhaps I am guilty of trying to control things beyond my right. After all, isn’t that what shedding light is, defining things that were once undefined? Isn’t that what light does, attaches colors, shapes and lines to items that had been boundless? Or were they always there, all along exactly what the light revealed just waiting for a time to be shown? I don’t know. And today I’m not inclined to push myself closer to a formal belief of one or the other. All I know is, when it comes to you, it’s the dark that attracted me and it was the dark that attacked me. I wanted to understand it, to investigate it, to put my hands on it and see if I could comprehend it, but it didn’t want to be defined, it wanted to part of my light. Maybe it wasn’t ready, maybe it wants to hide, maybe my light isn’t the right kind. What I know about my decision to be with you is that it was the mystery of what I didn’t understand that kept me coming back to you, that every time I was with you a new enigma was born and drew me back in because I love to question. Even when I get no answer I love to question, just to think, to ask, to explore some more. It’s the way a curious child with limited resources explores all the parts of her world that she has no physical access to. She questions everything and explores them with her mind. Which in part leads to her imagination influencing aspects of her exploration that are best left to the rational. The dangerous imagination, filling in parts of questions that lead to misconceptions and untruths- white lies that distort discoveries into illusions instead of actual. But then, is there any truth beyond our own interpretation of the what is real? Does real exist outside of our own minds or is it our minds that create what is real and what isn’t? This question I’ve definitely decided I have the answer to. I believe there are truths far beyond our own interpretation of things and that is why when more becomes clear to us our minds change, our interpretation changes and our worlds are rocked. It’s a good thing, to be wrong and willing to know it. That’s where I am now, wrong and willing to know it. I’m willing to know how wrong I was, not about you because I still don’t fully understand you, but about the lengths, or depths, I was willing to go to define you, understand you and force you into my interpretation. Better to leave the dark places dark and shine my light in directions that will lead me on ward, not down ward. It isn’t my right to define you. I can only define me. I have to shine my light within and let that brighten me enough to be a beckon where ever I go. If I keep trying to force my light onto other things then I’ll never earn their trust, their confidence. I had no right to define you. I wanted to desperately in order to feel safe around you. Now I am exhausted from the experience, from trying to create something out of things I didn’t understand. And the dark feels better to me now that I’m not trying to control it. And my imagination serves me better acting as a vehicle of faith in dark places, to comfort me and carry me forward until I make it through. If I ever decide to go exploring again, into those dark places, I’ll be sure to save my light for my insides and shine it bright enough to keep me warm so I can feel whatever I bump into and allow it to make itself known to me, instead of trying to define it. And I’ll move slowly. Much more slowly. It’s best in the dark. Even when you’re falling, where ever you are falling, to allow things to happen instead of trying to define them. Relinquishing control. My exhaustion has inspired me.
“If I pray to have some power over persons, things, or the course of events, my prayer is futile; it is, in some way, an anti-prayer. Prayer is the struggle to let go of every desire to have power over others, over things, and over the course of events. Prayer is adoration of the Divine Will in all it’s manifestations… How often do I bring to prayer a problem to be resolved, a person I would like to see changed, a suffering that I want to forestall? I tell God how best to resolve the problem. I advise Him on how best to change the person who is the object of my intercession. I bargain with HIm in order to avoid the suffering that I fear: a suffering that may well be imaginary and that, more often than not, is merely the projection of an anguish lurking somewhere in my subconscious… It is right to bring persons, things, and events to prayer, but the purpose of prayer is not to wrest control from the hands of God in order to assure that I get my own way, but, rather, to surrender all control in an act of childlike trust…”- Father Mark (from “The Struggle of Prayer” http://vultus.stblogs.org/2008/06/the-struggle-of-prayer.html)
“DISAPPOINTMENT is communication from you Inner Being letting you know that that which you are focused upon is not what you want. If you are sensitive to the way that you are feeling, the the disappointment itself will let you know that what you are thinking about is not what you want to experience…The reason why you are feeling negative emotion is not only because your friend is talking about something that you do not want. Your negative emotion is your indication that you hold beliefs that are contrary to your own desire. Your friend’s conversation merely activated beliefs within you that challenge your desire for wellness. So walking away from your friend and from this conversation will not change those beliefs. It is necessary that you start, right where you are, in the midst of that belief, and move it gradually, building a bridge, so to speak, to a belief that is more in harmony with your desire for wellness. It is helpful, whenever you feel a negative emotion, to stop and acknowledge what you were thinking about when the negative emotion surfaced. Whenever you feel negative emotion, it is always telling you that whatever you are thinking about is important, and that you are thinking about the opposite of what you really desire.” ( From The Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks)
These are the thoughts that are guiding me today. I’m grateful for the advice. I have to stop thinking of what I WANT and start listening to my Desires. What I THINK I want has to match what I desire. It’s the discord between the two that’s causing me so much disappointment. But I have to let go, trust and listen to get back in touch with my desires. Then I can start linking my thoughts to them, instead of trying it the other way around.
Pray, Listen, Link. And then activate.