HEART

     Now I haven’t just broken up with somebody but if you’ve been following my blog I have been hurt lately. It wasn’t a heart break but it was hurtful enough to remind me of my heart broken times and boy oh boy, it’s a painful thing. I’ve read blogs and articles supporting just how physically-toxic emotional pain is, how “heart break” really can kill you. All you have to do is live through it to know just how painful heart break is. I remember curling up on a bathroom floor, tears pouring out of my eyes, breath barely coming in and me hoping that it wouldn’t. I wished away life. I wished away any more time spent in this world that had brought me this kind of pain. It was impossible to escape, all encompassing and it wrecked me, brought me to a point of not caring, of not wanting get up, of wishing I would die just to get rid of that feeling. I didn’t even know where the feeling was coming from- then. Now I realize it was coming from my head. My obsessive mind that kept haunting me, making me think of things that weren’t meant to stay. I kept them center stage though. And I blocked out the rest of the world, the beautiful world that would have alleviated the pain. And so here I am now, sharing this borderline obnoxious ditty with you (see picture above) in hopes it shakes you awake enough to rattle that brain back into productive mode. Heart break is painful- no question, but it is NOT the end. And once you make it through that first time, you never hurt that way again. Sounds cliche’ but that first heart break is the WORST. And it’s not because you never love someone again like your first love- that’s just bull. You do and in most cases the love is EVEN BETTER because you know yourself better and pick more compatible mates. The reason why no heart break ever hurts as badly again is because you’ve been through it. You’ve blazed the trail where there was none. You’ve done all the hacking and burning and ripping and chopping and paving. All that back breaking work is DONE. It’s over. And you don’t ever have to do it again. Of course, I know, just walking down that path is painful. You’re usually stripped bare and subject to all the elements, including the gravelly road beneath your tender tootsies, and the wind whips and chafes your skin and chills your bones… It’s never easy– BUT, it’s never as difficult because YOU KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT THROUGH! That’s the lesson you really learn by picking yourself off the bathroom floor (my bathroom floor, your something else). You can do it. And it’s always easier when you remember you’ve done it before. Not only because you can remember that path, you can see you don’t have to clear it or pave it again, that’s already been done, but because your fear isn’t as intense. You aren’t AFRAID of the pain or that path because you’ve been down it before. And there’s the root of the worst of it all- FEAR. In heart break there is a lot of FEAR. You fear how life will be without him/her. You fear all the things about yourself you’ve put away in order to make room for them. You fear making your own decisions, paying your own bills- you fear life without the crutch of another. Now that sounds harsh and pretty bitter. Calling someone else a crutch. But seriously, they kind of are. My arrogance tells me that not enough people spend time with themselves. Too many people just jump from their parents to their significant others and NEVER live with themselves, like themselves. learn to enjoy their own company. It’s a good thing to do for anyone who still needs to try it. Jump on the solo train. You’ll end up loving it. But, it’s fair to say to me that the “crutch” statement is a bit harsh  because I’ve never really had a significant other. But I gotta tell you, I thinks that’s what got me through the heart break without killing myself (I suffer from depression so it was a real possibility). The thing that saved me was my harsh up bringing. The fact that I often had to pick myself up, figure things out for myself, without anyone to cheer me on or pick me up. Any and EVERY time I came upon a hard spot I had to figure how to get around it. Me. Just me. For YEARS I didn’t even know I had Tourrettes. I didn’t know I had OCD. And I’ve just recently realized that I very well may be dyslexic.  But I didn’t know it. All I knew was I’d hit an impasse but I didn’t want to stop. So I figured a way around, or over, or (usually) through. God DAMN I’m strong as steel. I didn’t realize that either though. And that was the root of my low self esteem. I didn’t realize how amazing I was, didn’t give myself credit for it. Didn’t realize how hard I worked, never once patted myself on the back or say “way to go”. All I did was down myself for coming upon the hardship to begin with. All that negative thought, that negative talk “you made the mistake; you must be stupid because…; you’re weird; you make problems.” That was the way I’d talk to myself. And the way my family would talk to me. Just found out yesterday how my mother makes fun of my Tourrettes when I’m not around. It’s pretty horrible. Horrible to have a parent that would rather make fun of your odd behavior then spend time learning about the syndrome that creates it. And I don’t really mind having my balls busted- by someone who I know offers support and understanding the rest of the time. Any way, off the point. The point is I’m a survivor by nature. It’s what I do. I figure, I tuck, I weave and I make my way. It’s what I do and I do it well. It was the inborn survival mechanism God gave to me and it’s a blessing- AMEN! And it saved my life when I was heart broken. It was my “So shut up” reminder. Because as obnoxious as it sounds- 
You know “So shut up”- it sounds obnoxious. 
Can you imagine someone saying something like that to you when you’re heart broken- “SHUT UP- you’re not dead are ya?”. Seriously. It’d be like getting sucker punched in your open wound. But because this is written, not spoken, it’s a more tender delivery of the same sentiment, a sentiment that I think is more tender then it initially sounds. It doesn’t mean “Shut up” as in shut your mouth, stop crying, stop irritating me… At least not to me. It’s a “Shut up” that I deliver directly to that crazy ass brain of mine that keeps saying all the horrible, negative things I don’t need to hear; it’s saying “Shut up” to all those nagging and merciless memories of him/her that make you wonder what you did wrong and how you’ll ever live with out them. It’s the “Shut up” that’s saying WAKE UP! There is a world out there… you know… through the dark of the heart break canopy. Believe it. Yes, you’ll have to climb. It will be exhausting but in a good and distracting way. You’ll have to hack and rip and pull and chop to clear branches and leaves and snakes and bugs out of your way while you climb. It will be scary. It will be hard. But it will lead you to the light and the almighty aerial view awarded to those who persevere and reach the top. You’ll see the world for miles. You’ll see rivers you never knew existed. You’ll see the rainbow of colors and ribbons of land you never imagined were possible. You’ll SEE and you’ll FEEL the light that is the sun you hadn’t felt since you entered that enchanted forest of romance. Yup. romance. NOT LOVE. L.O.V.E. my dears… LOVE is The Light! It’s the truth, the vision, the view. It’s the belonging, the connection to your environment through yourself. And it’s the greatest of rewards. So, lovingly, from me to you- and I’m speakin’ to myself here as well- SHUT UP and keep moving. You’ll be happy you did. 🙂
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