I’m Sorry

For seven months and twenty-six days I have waited for my phone to ring and on the other line hear a familiar voice say- “I’m sorry”.
Like it would make me whole again.
As if him saying I’m sorry would reverse some universal verdict determining I wasn’t worth anything.
Finally, I’d be able to let go of all the bad things I believed about myself because he’d finally said “I’m sorry”.
And everyday I’d check his profile.
Certain of how beautiful he is and what a good person really lived inside; convinced of his goodness despite all the wickedness I’d seen.
And I’d praise him.
And I’d pray for him.
And I’d wait. Wait for him to tell me I was worth it because he’d finally called and said “I’m sorry”.

I just realized:
I’m too good for “I’m sorry”.

And all those beautiful things I’d seen in him are things that live inside of me.
And all that love and faith I was giving to him was better invested in me.
I don’t like being alone.
But I’m not.
And I don’t like being abused or used,
But I was- and it’s over.
And seeing only his good side isn’t going to make the bad side go away.
There isn’t anything I can do to make his bad go away, I can’t wish it, pray it, will it, demand it, work for it.
Only he can.
And the only thing that keeps me down is my own memory of what happened, and how it made me feel, and how badly I want to unmake it and my waiting for the silliest thing:
Him to save me- by being “sorry”.

I woke up, finally, today and realized I don’t need to be saved.
I have everything inside myself to be saved and if I’d stop giving it away to him, pictures of him, then I’d be saved already. And the only pieces of me left abused are the ones I keep abusing all by
By not looking at my own picture and telling it “You’re beautiful”.
Is that the only way I can feel like I’ve been a good person? If I’ve given all of myself away? By giving every drop of energy I have away to the thought of another person?
And what does it matter who that person is? If I don’t invest any of my energy into myself then how much am I worth- really?
I thought hearing him say “I’m sorry” might lead to “I love you” and that would make everything happy, everything perfect, and undo all that was done, almost unmake the past.
And that was cowardice; Me not facing me and making how I feel about myself his responsibility instead of mine.
It was me, once again, not appreciating me. I was doing the same thing, over again.
I was making everything about the other person okay, everything about him beautiful, so that I didn’t have to stick up for myself.
So that I didn’t have to love me, I loved him.

If I could experience his worst and still believe in his best,
why couldn’t I do the same for myself?

I’ve got to admit, hearing “I’m sorry” would be nice.
But it’s no longer necessary.
Because “I’m sorry” is not an apology, nor is it taking responsibility. It’s nothing but a statement of regret and I don’t want to be part of somebody’s regrets.
Because I’m too good for “I’m sorry”.
Because “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean shit without knowing what you’re sorry for and putting time and energy into fixing it.
And because, straight up, “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. Because I deserve A LOT more. I deserve “I love you”.
I deserve it.
But it’s got to come from me.
I’ve got to be the one that says it, everyday. I’ve got to “love” me.
And then, loving “you” won’t be so scary.
And “I’m sorry” will be obsolete.

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