Lesson; the latest one.

It’s been a while.
And I’m sorry.
I’ve been bottled up and imploding a lot
and now I’m kinda forcing this blog out
because it NEEDS to happen. If not,
I’ll just be more of a mess.
The truth is I met someone. Someone I trusted was
what they said they were.
And they weren’t.
The entire situation was a kind of hoax,
well orchestrated for the maximum satisfaction of the other party.
And I could mull over and over thinking thoughts like,
it’s unfair
why do people do that to each other?
But I really don’t want to.
Because in the end the one thing I’ll come up with is the thing that I’m desperately trying to avoid:
That once again I’ve been passed over for someone else. Once again I was the fall back girl,
the rebound,
the one during down time.
And I don’t want to mull over the psychologist ‘speak’ about how I choose these people,
that it’s all intentional,
that it’s all about me not being able to be loved or being able to commit.
Because that’s wrong.
I do want to be loved and I’ll love being in a committed relationship.
And there hasn’t been one day that that wasn’t true.
And I wasn’t in love with my son’s father for 10 years straight because he didn’t love me back;
I was in love with him because I saw extraordinary things in his person that inspired me and,
especially in the end, helped me to grow into a better human being.
And I did not keep giving the lunatic, who would eventually try to beat the shit out of me, chance
after chance, after chance to be a better man to me because I didn’t love myself. I did it because I could
have loved him; he too had so many extraordinary things about his person. He was the kind of beautiful that could have inspired life long love in me.
I look back, proud, that I loved myself enough to get out of these situations where I was all in but the man was out and about: the first one took me 10 years, the second 2 years and this final one, it took me just over two weeks.
That means I’m learning.
And getting better at being on my own side.
That even when I see something in another person that I would very well like to see in the eyes and smile of my next beautiful child,
I will not stay in a toxic place.

I will not stay in second place.

I look at pictures of this last looser,
and I say looser because he is.
He’s a looser.
He lost me and that’s something he should have fought his ass off to keep.
But when I look at pictures of him I still feel the sadness that’s making it hard to breath right now.
I’ll never figure it out.
I can know everything, flat out and rational in front of me,
including that I’m better off and that I dodged yet another bullet,
but my heart and brain have a detachment it seems that won’t allow one to understand the other.
Rationalizing this doesn’t make it any better.
I now have to live through being passed over by another looser.
One that may never know how much he lost.
One that doesn’t care.
And that’s better for me.
Better that I don’t have someone who couldn’t care less about me in my life.
Because he should have been sticking up for me and defending me and making sure I never got hurt.
Instead, it seems, he was doing that for someone else.
He was protecting her by not acknowledging me publicly.
He was hiding me because she was the one he was proud of and I was the one he was ashamed of.
Because he wanted to be loyal to her, and by being with me he wasn’t and I’m really really glad I sent
the mother-fucker home with blue balls.
But it turns out he took a piece of me anyway. More then my mouth, my vagina, my tits or my ass, (he got none of those), he took a piece of my heart (which is infinitely more valuable).
I left it wide open for his rejection.
So now I have to patch myself up and heal my heart and do whatever it is I have to do to make myself okay.
Whatever it is.
I’m worth it.
So I thought about keying his new car.
Would have been fun.
And I thought about flattening his tires.
I even considered punching the mother-fucker dead is his blackened teeth (yeah… what was i thinking?).
But that pleasure just wouldn’t last long enough.
Instead I’m going to move on.
To my own place, my time, surrounding myself by people who really care about me and wouldn’t throw me under the bus every chance they get.
People I belong with.
Even if it’s just me, myself and I.
Good enough.
Too good for most.
And all I’ll ever need.

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