Broken

If I am broken
and there are only pieces of me
I will make them move in harmony
In place of melody
in sync
despite detachment
walking stride by stride
side by side
and forward
and behind
beating while the others rest
in their turn
so from without
all you would see
Is one whole piece
One whole me
not fragments
but facets of a face
the eyes the mouth the skin the sounds
of one steady beat
sounding from the breast
a chorus of parts
singing one song
forming one beat
and moving on
forward to where ever they’d go
side by side and row by row
fragmented, broken always
never to be fused again
feeling always vulnerable
and at odds
never good or clean or worthy
always from the inside broken and ashamed
but strong enough to figure out
how to move forward anyway
by leaps and bounds of faith

Orpheus On The Train

Orpheus and Eurydice Greek Mythology Original Painting

Eurydice had it good;
true love and muse of the greatest musician of the time.
Man.
Think of that courtship;
new songs and poems every night.
That would have made me fall in love with him.
Sweet.
More then the poems and songs though,
her man went to Hades and back for her.
Even death didn’t stop him from finding his way back to her,
and his way back with her-
almost.
There-in lies the tragedy:
Orpheus almost won her back. He was a step away and lost her forever.
No battle or blade could do what his music did to Hades;
the perpetual grump of the land of the dead,
music moved him and his bitter queen.
Music did what even other Gods couldn’t.
It changed death’s mind.
Almost.
Because Orpheus turned around,
didn’t he?
Right before he was going to win the greatest battle ever waged.
He’d braved the journey to the underworld,
persuaded the impersuadable,
but was too impatient to wait just one more step.
Damn.
My thoughts after I first heard the story long ago:

It’s not fair ( LOL)
Doesn’t he get any credit at all? (Yeah-right)
What about all that way he’d come?
doesn’t that count for anything? (Nope).

But it taught me something.
Faith is a treacherous journey.
It means moving on even after you’ve braved the sandstorm just to find that a mountain stands in front of you after the sands have settled. It means not giving up when you’re absolutely done and completely positive you shouldn’t have to do a lick more work,
when you know you moved that mountain but its back there in front of you again,
when you know you’ve earned the prize but are left without the slightest acknowledgement,
That is when faith must be firmest.
Orpheus’ journey is a lesson in faith.
It warns us that the most treacherous part of the journey is that last length right before the prize.
The tricky part is
that’s when we are most tired,
feel the most beaten,
and it makes the most sense to give up.
But on the train today I was inspired by the sunrise
to think of poor Orpheus and why in the world such a downer of a story would ever be told.
And I remembered,
it was a lesson.
One I needed to be reminded of.
The recesses of my mind came back with an answer to my screaming and aching cries for HELP:
It’s hardest at this moment.
This is the most horrible part.
But if you don’t get through this you’ll be back to your beginning and you’ve come too far to let fatigue and heartache win.
Let the tragedy of Orpheus teach you something.
Because to me the guy had it all;
talent the God’s worshiped and love, real, true love, that had a chance at thwarting death-
But didn’t.
I’m not judging the guy.
Who am I to call him a fool?
I’m sitting all cozy listening to his story,
how do I know how that last foot step of his felt?
I wasn’t in his shoes.
But it teaches me something.
Because it’s meant to.
That Faith is a treacherous road,
and that it gets tougher towards the end,
and despite the fatigue,
the heartache,
the fear,
and the anger we may feel at things being so difficult,
our bodies,
our hearts,
beings so exhausted,
We could loose all we’ve gained if we look back even once.
Life
Is the treacherous road,
and Faith-
It’s a forward motion.

Hurting


Hurting can do some extraordinary things. It’s effectual.
Misery.
Isolation.
All from hurting.

Siting on the wrong side of the bar and everybody elses’ smiles rip into me like nails into flesh.

Curling up and disappearing would be convenient except for the fact that I want to be seen. That’s what I want: to be seen and not suffer this indifference. I think if even one person in my life had dared to care for me it would have broken through these walls that have caged me in.
Just one.

After all the witchery,
all the bitchery,
all the prickly hard-ass show,

I’m still just a damsel in distress.

Snow Day


Today is a snow day.
Only a delay for the district in which I teach
but our town district has the full day off.
So my son gets to sleep in.
Funny, as soon as I got word that school was canceled,
I almost became my mother.
When I was a school girl she’d always wake us up to tell us we didn’t have to wake up.
I hated it.
Wasn’t that just pointless?
Let us sleep.
But I almost did it.
I almost walked into my son’s room to wake him up and tell him he had no school.
That pause and breath I took made the difference.
Today he’ll sleep late.
Without interruption.
And he’ll enjoy the entire experience of having the day off.
Starting off with uninterrupted sleep.
I’m tempted to take the day off myself.
But we can’t afford it.
So I’ll linger around the living room, perhaps take in a T.V. show or two
and then get my toosh on a later train.
Then I’ll enjoy getting the same pay for a shorter day 😉
I love snow.

The Bar


Standards keep going up.
That’s what the newspapers say.
That’s what employment offices say.
But that’s not what the results show.
Teaching.
That’s what I’m talking about but I have no doubt you could apply this to many other fields.
Every teacher now has to be certified with a masters degree,
and now it’s recommended they be duel certified.
So how come tests results aren’t improving?
How come drop out rates aren’t dropping?
And beyond this, how come literacy, as well as elocution keep slipping?
If the bar keeps getting raised to become a teacher,
then how come is bares no relation to the function of teaching?
I’m certainly not trying to unload the sorry state of our education system on teachers.
What I am pointing out is that these “bars”, these minimum standards for qualifications into
entry level positions, are getting higher and higher,
but the relative pay is not.
And the quality that these bars are supposed to be ensuring doesn’t exist.
So why the raising of the bar?
It has nothing to do with quality.
It has to do with making things harder and harder for people who start low to climb high.
These standards are bogus obstacles put into place by people who had no such things in there way when they started out.
Frauds.
What exactly are they afraid of?
Maybe that we find out that these standards are effects and have absolutely nothing to do with function and performance?
When in a profession does it happen that a select few get together and decide that what they are doing is so amazing they should form a commitee that decides how all others in that field are judged from then on?
Who are these people?
And why are we listening to them?

Epiphany

My nose was runny so I needed a tissue (couldn’t find one anywhere in the classroom I was covering today). I’m looking left,
looking right,
under the desk,
under books on the desk,
inside any drawer that would open,
scanning the rest of the room, shelves, desks, tables on all four walls in search of tissue.
And the watery snot on the tip of my nose engorged;
dripping was imminent.
A student of mine finally asked me,
“What are you looking for?”
“Tissue,” I said.
“Doesn’t he have any tissue in this room?”
“Yeah, here.”
and she reached about a foot infront of her to a pile on the other side of my desk,
pulled up the box
and placed it in front of me.
Hmmm
What I took from this?

Sometimes all it takes is a change of perspective to find what you’re looking for.

Also,

To get my ass up out of my seat before I decide I’ve searched thouroughly.
First one’s more poetic though.