Born without Boundaries

Disillusionment has carried me down the last couple of days. I find that things I’ve believed in and put a lot of faith in have not turned out the way I expected and I know that expectations usually lead to disappointments but I would have liked to be more connected with the situations around me. I can’t shake this constant feeling of down.

Wounded Children

Wounded children run the world. They preach and they entertain, explode and rage to be seen, a desperate attempt to be connected. When I look at all the “leaders”, the people who love being on camera, I see children deprived of a base love, a base unconditional acceptance, trying desperately to get it back. We are lucky, many times, for these desperate wounded children. They become the most extraordinary and moving adults. They move us because they need us and as much as they take from us, of our television and radio time, or our money, they are the most needy of all. Because each time they speak they are desperate for our attention. They are seeking our approval, our acceptance. And it isn’t so much what they say that is meaningful but the reason why they say anything at all. They say it to be heard. They have to be heard. They have to be seen. For all the crowds and applause are momentarily making up for the thing they lack- love. These are the wounded children who were not cradled long enough. The ones who didn’t know their father, or mother, or could never be good enough for them. These are the desperate wounded children that have leveled mountains and traversed diversity and dissonance in search of that simple but evasive necessity- acceptance. They want to be loved. And so they learn to be worthy of the love, admiration, of many. They study and strive and risk and finally soar so they can prove they are worthy of the love that evaded them. But as beautiful as we see them, as magnificent as they become, they remain hollow inside. It’s that hollow inside that drives them higher, maybe too high. These wounded children achieve great things. The slight is they never achieve what they’ve desired for so long- to be loved. To be accepted by the person who put it into their heads that they were not good enough. At heart they will always believe they are not good enough.
Our world is run by wounded children. 

Dance

The white bars from the cross walk stepping stoned me ‘cross the street toward a man I already knew I wasn’t attracted to. He looked at me with the same disinterest but I was here and had committed myself to the meeting so I hopped on through traffic to arrive face to face with him. He was polite. I was polite. He ate his frozen yogurt, I watched and couldn’t help but notice his discolored teeth. Eeee. That wasn’t showing in the one photo he’d posted online. Hey though, this is what these first meetings are for. You don’t go all out. And profile-ly speaking he was perfect. He was a West Point Graduate, had been in The Peace Corps, put peace and respect first- only he never offered to buy me a frozen yogurt. He just sat and ate his in front of me. Mental note. And when he talked his voice never modulated. Monotone. He was nice. He was calm: too calm, like the calm that comes before death. He kept mentioning how he was always at the gym. I wouldn’t have been able to tell had he not kept telling it because he was so slim, frail. Jesus, if a bar fight broke out I’d have to step in and protect him. Not that we’d be going out to bars because he didn’t drink. Which had been a plus! No drinking. I don’t really drink, not much, and that had seemed to bother so many people so this was supposed to be the kind of guy I was looking for. Everything statistically was perfect. I could check almost every box in my mental check-list. But he was the least perfect match for me. He was boring. And I tried so hard to continue a conversation that just didn’t want to happen. Every minute that past helped to form a new revelation in my head:

If he’s not right, then nothing he says will be. If he doesn’t inspire you then what he cares about, what he shares, is inconsequential-
The wrong person can sit inches from you saying the most absolutely perfect things, philosophies you’ve compiled, morals you share, and bore you to death with them.
And then my mind went elsewhere. It drifted to the thought and image of someone who I’d been trying very hard to push out of my mind. A person who said things that pissed me off and made me want to challenge every syllable. A person who’d done things that made me weep inside and out. A person that pushed me, and made me feel alive.
I must have reverted to his image just to avoid falling asleep. It was self defense really. That and I just wanted to be polite. In front of this perfect person who was all wrong for me the memory of an imperfect person who had the potential to mean everything to me was the only thing that made the next hour bearable.
My revelation continued:

The right person could say all the wrong things, fuck up in monstrous ways, and still inspire your faith in them.

I am not smart enough to articulate to you what makes someone right and someone wrong. If stats and traits and ideals and morals and characteristics were it then the wrong one would have been all right and the right one would have been all wrong. And further analysis of myself would lead me to the conclusion that I purposely pick bad choices for myself in order to avoid real love and relationships. That I obsess over the “bad” ones in order to avoid a potential connection with the “good” ones. And I’ve come to the conclusion that all of that is bull shit. Because I’m not as screwed up as therapists would like me to be. Because we are all “good” and “bad” trying desperately to stay in balance. Because I know what is important to me and it’s not where someone has graduated from or the color of his eyes.

It’s how he uses what he knows and the intensity of his stare.

To be my match he has to match me and I him. If I have to hold back who I am to be around someone then he’s not the one. If I don’t inspire him then I’m not the one.

And the therapists are right. It is me. It’s all me keeping me from connecting with most men. But it’s not all wrong. They are. They’re all wrong and I can feel it. And that feeling is the essential in what I look for. Do I feel you? Are you feelin’ me? Not in my groin in my gut. And if we are feelin’ each other then even my greatest fear isn’t going to keep me from joining you.

I’ve hurt myself so much. And it’s that hurt that’s taught me I’ve been doing things wrong. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the hurt is just a bi product of what I’m doing, the way the blisters on my toes are when I dance on pointe. Should I not dance on pointe? Am I doing it wrong just because I get blisters? Hardly. Professional Ballerinas get blisters all the time and they weigh thirty pounds less and are infinitely more skilled at what they are doing. I’m hurting because that is a bi-product of what I’m doing. Not because I’m wrong or bad or malformed or twisted. Not because I’m jaded and cynical or mistrusting or “dysfunctional”. I’m hurting because I’m dancing, in the right shoes, on the right floor with enough wrong partners to wear me down and give me blisters. But the dance is worth it. And the blisters are right. They are supposed to be there. And when they get too much I sit a few out to let them heal. And my skin gets thicker. And the next time I dance, I blister less. So when I find that perfect partner, the one with the faults in his rhythm syncopated perfectly for mine, I’ll be able to dance forever without blistering at all.

So for the time being I’ll dance alone. I love to dance so it doesn’t make sense to sit out. And I don’t mind the blisters. Because I love to dance enough that they can’t discourage me. Because they create the kind of hurt that helps you step more wisely the next time around. And I’m learning to rub less, to whine less, because I’ll never dance again if I allow that pain to be my most prevalent thought. Dancing is joy. Even through the pain. The joy of dancing out weighs the pain.
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Confidence

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Confidence is over rated. Not from an internal perspective but from an external one, confidence is no more then the pyrotechnics of personality. It shouts LOOK AT ME!!! I AM SPECIAL when, too often, it’s nothing but smoke in mirrors. I’m a big proponent of using the word “Special” very sparsely. If everyone/everything is special after all then no one/thing is. Why call anything special at all? Special is, well, SPECIAL and it rarely happens at all, let alone everyday to everyone. So confidence is something that though good from a personal perspective can be VERY bad from an external one. When an individual has confidence, the personal perspective, they radiate it. They move lithely and assuredly and their charisma is a natural attraction. This is VERY good for the person because then their ideas, their ways are more likely to be received and accepted by most; but THAT’S the danger! The danger comes in the perception and how willing we on the outside, the external perspective, are  to receive the information regardless of how well it meshes with our own moral values. Confidence can win us over even if it’s preaching things that are horrid. An extreme example of this is, iconicly, Hitlar. Just listen to the man speak. He had TONS of confidence. That was great for him. But what was lacking on the external was confidence from the droves of individuals that were listening to him. They had no confidence in their own beliefs, morals, values and, most especially, their situations. Almost too willingly they handed over all that meant something to them, their pride, respect for country, love of God and neighbors, to curtail to his confidence. They were sold on the passion and fury of the speaker in front of them. But how quickly, and how cheaply, should we allow ourselves to be sold?

I once heard that if you keep telling somebody something over and over they will eventually believe you. Can this be so? Are the minds of most so weak that they will hand over their autonomy simply by being warn-down? If you hear it enough times you’ll believe it. Really? So where then is YOUR confidence, the confidence that, from the internal perspective, is actually a brilliant thing to have? What about all that meant something to you before you heard someone droan time after time into your ear the message that they wanted you to hear because it worked for them? Confidence is so wonderful for the person that has it but it is 100% a pit fall for those who do not. And it’s the cheapest trick in the book. Walk into the room with confidence and your ideas get sold. But what of the ideas? Are the ideas themselves any good at all? Had they been written on a piece of paper with no pyrotechnics from your personality, would those ideas really be worth paying attention to? I’ve watched. I’ve taken notes. Unfortunately most of what is sold is nothing but a bunch of pyrotechnics and you’ve all been burned out of your time, energy and money. Because you’re allowing confidence to affect you externally instead of internally and that’s really the only place confidence belongs. As soon as it’s pushed outside it is nothing more then a projection of something else and projections are not to be trusted. No. I am not encouraging every single one of you to be cynical. Because that’s just fear. I’m encouraging every single one of you to be CONFIDENT, internally, so you’re not side swiped by the external confidence that is very much out to get you. If someone has an idea, if they’re selling a product, even if they’re coming in for an audition, screw their confidence- watch their abilities. Look deeply to see potential. Too many great ideas are too long over looked because the person who had them lacked confidence. Why is it that we always ignore the small voice? And maybe that’s the heart of what I’m really trying to say. Please let’s stop mistaking arrogance and demonstration for confidence. Because confidence is not inherently loud. It’s not cocky or flashy. It’s steady. It’s consistent and strong. Real confidence is a by-product of integrity, which we could all stand to work a little harder on.


What inspired me to write this post was reading and viewing  many things online. I couldn’t help but be bothered and disturbed by some things I saw yet because the person who was selling the product or service was confident in their delivery and, most likely, confident in their belief of what they were selling, I started to second guess myself. I started to believe what they wanted me to instead of what I knew to be correct. I started to second guess myself. They had more confidence in themselves then I did in myself and so I was at risk of handing my mind over to them. But it could happen with generally confident people as well. So impressed by somebody Else’s confidence they over look particulars about the person, and what they’re promoting, that really shouldn’t be over looked.  Frightening, I think, to imagine that someones confidence could work that well on someone with out enough confidence to repel it. Instinct is there for a reason. The reason is to serve as a guide, to steer you in the direction that is best for you. It is our instincts that should be insulated in confidence. They are what confidence should serve. Confidence should never EVER reach the brain. Then it becomes nothing more then a weapon for the ego and the ego with a weapon is like a child with a gun, dangerous. Our instincts on the other hand come from our souls. They are what is placed in us to guide us toward our own happiness and well being. If confidence serves them, we will live the lives we dream. Allow your brains to remain uncluttered by the blanket of confidence. Our brains need room for the tight maneuvering that rational and logic requires so when we come into contact with external confidence we can clearly discern whether or not it is right for us and confidently turn away if it is not. Internally we have to make certain our confidence stays out of our brain’s way. The brain gets smothered by confidence and it can even start to make us convince ourselves we are good at something or happy with something when we are not. Confidence belongs down below, blanketing that tender voice living somewhere between our belly and our hearts. That is where confidence serves it’s highest purpose- keeping safe that small voice designed to lead us toward our true happiness. When and if we can keep confidence there it will work wonders for our lives. What I realize is that too often we are over taken by the confidence of others because we are too lazy to use our own for it’s proper purposes. That is when we lethargically latch onto the confidence of others and allow our own to drift up and smother our brains, blocking all attempts at rational and logic and leaving vulnerable that tender voice. That is when we can basically be convinced of anything even when it so clearly is not right for us. The small voice starts to blare but the brain can’t listen and our entire process toward happiness is thrown off balance. Keep your confidence in your belly, to warm that small voice so it purrs it’s message gently throughout your body, as a feeling not a lecture. That will center you. Keep the confidence of others at an arms length, allowing your brain, clear of clutter, to rationalize whether or not it works for you and if it deserves any more of your attention at all. And then enjoy the happiness that being balanced brings.

6:14 Faith

How you treat others has nothing to do with who they are; it’s about who you are. A gentlemen would no sooner hold a door open for a supermodel then a 300 pound, cross-eyed, bearded women with two teeth and a limp. Because he’s not doing it to impress them, to get laid or to get attention. He’s doing it to help somebody out and who ever that body happens to be is irrelevant. Goodness comes from deep down inside. It’s integral and few people have it. The one’s who do shine like suns. As my friend Nicole would say, they have their own light. They could feed the world with their energy. They are rare and beautiful. But any of us can learn from them. More to the point, we can be inspired by them to change our behavior into something that resembles theirs. We may not be able to figure it out for ourselves but we most certainly can follow along. Too many individuals are ego motivated. I’ve heard too much mis-talk on individuality and living for yourself. Some go so far as to try and justify selfishness and self-centeredness but those two things are ultimately the way to isolation and misery. So, here’s hoping that those people have simply misinterpreted and confused those definitions for things such as self-respect and confidence. Being yourself, living for yourself, is most successful when you relinquish your ego all together. It’s the ego that forces us into the idea that we are better then others, we have a right to treat one person one way and another person differently, that those who are different then us are some how lower then us- all of these thoughts are ego motivated and ultimately isolating. The driving force behind ego is fear. If you like fear running your life well then I am so sorry for you. You’re lost and don’t know it and no, the not knowing doesn’t make it any better. Fear is the ultimate loss. It’s the ultimate defeat. And I see people curtailing to it everyday. Fear is what drives self-centeredness and selfishness. It’s what tells us that making the world all about ourselves is what gets us far, makes us money, gives us power. Confidence comes from not being afraid at all. Or, at least not being afraid of fear. When I think of the mistakes I’ve made, people I’ve hurt and ways I’ve disappointed myself and others it all whittles down to fear. When I take responsibility for the losses in my life, my misfortunes and mistakes, I see my initial choices were motivate by fear. My remedy is simple.
The rain.
The sky, trees, birds flying over head and gentle sounds of breezes through trees. I have to remember that I’m never alone and that I’m always a part of something bigger just because I’m alive.
The feeling of disconnect brings fear onto the playing field. Once you feel isolated fear has already taken over the game. It will win.
Find ways to feel connected, every day.
Over the past few decades we have become increasingly secular. What that has done to us as communities, as a country, has been detrimental. Because too many of us have mistaken the heart of secularism as hollow and disconnected. Our distrust for religions in general has lead us to distrust faith. How is that even possible? Faith is the ultimate trust. And religion and faith are not synonymous. Loosing faith has driven fear into many hearts leaving them hollow and aching for fulfilment. So ego moves in and tells us it’s okay to be alone, all we need is ourselves.
It’s wrong.
We need much more then that.
We need the earth. We need the sky. We need the stars. We’re really never without them. We are really never alone. Ironically, but beautifully, if we stay connected to all these things the place it leads is right back here, to each other. Understanding, accepting, how connected we are to the universe leads us right back to being connected to other people. By staying connected we choose to make fear irrelevant and ultimately make ourselves happy. The rain has always inspired me. Initially our egos would say it’s bad, sunshine is better, it’s more conducive to our life style of driving, and hurrying places. But at heart rain is just the other side of sunshine. It’s the time when all the nutrients Sunshine brings gets to seep into the earth to be utilized. Balance I think is key. Too much rain would depress anyone. But after two beautiful days of sunshine the rain feels like a blessing. And my dog teaches me that it’s the perfect time to be peaceful, to settle in and practice patience. The sun will come out again. The rain tests our resolve and refreshes us in the process. Plus, it’s just plain old fun. Getting wet usually is πŸ˜‰ It has it’s own bright side, it’s own light and whether or not we see it is our choice, it’s about who we are.