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A couple months ago I blogged about a man I know- the blog was titled “Gilded Mediocrity”- here’s the link:

http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/2011/08/guilded-mediocrity.html

I’m mindful of it now more then I have been since I wrote it because the stark reality of what is allowed to some and denied to others has hit me hard over the last few days. I saw him again. And it was worse then before. And because of the line of work he is in I wonder – is it my obligation to put him on blast and hold him accountable for his irresponsible behavior, or can I just walk away, should I just walk away, and let karma do what it does if it in fact will do so this time? Is it my place? Is it any one’s place, to call out something we know is bad? Or are we doing something bad because we may get someone else in trouble?

I know this man intimately. He has done plenty to me to give me good reason to seek revenge. So if I tell what I know is it or is it not just a jealous woman striking out? For certain that is trivial behavior. To seek revenge is infantile. But is it revenge when it’s serious business? When the safety and well being of others is at risk including the individual himself?

I’m struggling with this answer because I feel guilty. Had he reciprocated my feelings would I still be feeling this way?

Answer-
YES.

I would. Only I’d blast him in person instead of on this page. I’d rant and rave and yell and scream and cry and beg because if he’d reciprocated any of my feelings I’d feel that all those things might help in some way. But they won’t. He continues to live a lie. To advertise himself as a rehabilitation specialist while getting high and drunk just feet from where he is rehabilitating others. He is on TV. Nationally promoting a system and facility of his design, being quoted in magazines, newspapers and websites as an expert on parenting, when he has no control and integrity in his own person. It makes me sick. Not from my anger, but from my confusion. Because I want to bury everything I know and pretend it doesn’t exist. If I yell this out loud he will never forgive me. Just as my son’s father would never forgive my decision to have his child. Because he knew his child in the world would expose everything ugly about himself he was trying to hide. And I’m the enemy; Enemy number one. I’m to blame for not allowing them to hide. Their own choices are never to blame. I’ve learned so much about addicts that disappoints me.

And I want to say nothing. Even now, I do not have the strength to say his name, reveal who he is, because I don’t want his hatred, his accusations, his admonishments. They’d hurt like hell. Because I can’t get over him. And so I’m enabling him. Just like all the rest.

But am I? Is it not my right and perhaps the right course of action to simple take myself out of this scenario? Fate will catch up with him. People always end up doing themselves in. But in the process, how many others get hurt or fall prey? But I’m not a hero. And I don’t want to be. I want to be happy and lately I’ve been miserable. Miserable at home and sick in the heart. And I can’t be anymore. I hate the indecision. I hate the turmoil. And that is right now my strongest motivating force. To get myself right I have to move away from this. I have to do no more with it. But I feel wrong in the process.

This is real for me. It has been way before I met him and will be afterward. And here I stand. All alone because of it. Because I can’t ignore what I know is wrong but really can’t do anything about it.

Who would I tell?
Who would listen to me?
I’m a broke single mom with six blog readers.
He’s a wealthy, ivy league graduate, nationally syndicated.

Why would anyone believe I was anything more then a jealous harpy?
And then I’d be ruined and damned deeper.

It’s better to walk away. I hate it but it’s true. Because I stand to loose a whole lot too.
Is that what the early witnesses of Sandusky’s behavior thought? Yet another man seeming to be “helping” children, when really he was just luring them in.

He’s threatened me. He’s told me if I blast him I’ll have war. He attacked me physically after inviting me to his home. I believe I’m a drug to him and it’s easier for him to lash out at me and place the blame on me then look at himself and take responsibility for his actions. I’m tired and depressed by this whole ordeal. Fair enough what I know I will pass on to anyone who asks. He’s horrendous and I feel terrible about it. I believed in him but he was a fantasy not the truth. His truth is far too ugly for him to wear in public. Best to let go,… and let Jesus take the wheel.

12 Step programs- OPTIONAL!

It has been an important part of my life experience getting to know and trying to understand my son’s father. Through him I was introduced to the world of people who struggle with addiction. It is fair to say my emotions toward him have colored my beliefs. It is also fair to say that in general I am an intelligent and sure minded person capable of formulating rational, unemotionally biased arguments. I was driven to find this information because of my emotional reactions. Reading it, researching it, and my continued interest in it has been a fascination that is 100% rational.
12 Step programs ARE NOT the only option to drug rehabilitation. And one thing that my emotions and rational agree on is that when a loved one suffers from such a dangerous disorder you want to know ALL your options. You want to know THE BEST options.
12 Step programs have been statistically proven to be an INEFFECTIVE option yet have permeated, as you will learn, even our legal system being FORCED on individuals whose addiction has lead them into run-ins with the law.
Not only is this constitutionally WRONG, in terms of rehabilitation it is WRONG.
The rehabilitation process of ANY addict is SUCH an important process. Science, particularly medicine, should be the primary contributor toward that process. BUT
the 12 step programs are a collective of a SPIRITUAL organization that does not subscribe to research, study, or rational. THIS IS DANGEROUS. And INEFFECTIVE.
And as Autonomous creatures we have a right to question and keep questioning until we find a treatment that is 100% ( or damn near close) effective.
PLEASE, let’s keep THINKING. Let’s keep QUESTIONING. And let’s Mute ANY AND ALL organizations that would encourage us the other way.

Here are a series of videos I found on YouTube. They’ll take about a half hour to watch and feature Penn and Teller. No matter how irritating Penn may be I’ve always respected his constant employment of rational and questioning. He is ALWAYS encouraging people to use their brains to process information and come up with their own arguments instead of just believing in what somebody else says. It sounds so skeptical. But it’s not. It’s actually natural. GOD, NATURE, the UNIVERSE, EVOLUTION, whatever, gave us the ability to think, to reason, and we MUST USE IT!!!

I believe in faith. I believe in God and the powers of the universe. And it is because of the strength of my faith in these things that I know I MUST question and think for myself. Because something as BIG as God CANNOT be taught or described by a human being or an organization of human beings. I have to learn and discover a relationship with GOD for myself.

That is my belief. Please formulate your own. AND ALWAYS Question and take into consideration the ideas that may not at first be mainstream. Most especially, your own.

PART ONE:

PART TWO:

PART THREE:

And here is an interesting woman I discovered along the same YouTube dial. Her name is Genita Petralli, and she has an AMAZINGLY interesting view on Alcohol Addiction:

Interesting, healthy and HOPEFUL. Yeah. That’s how I like to feel about treating my mental illness. And I wish the same on others.
The reason I am posting this is NOT to diminish the success some people have found in the 12 steps but to address the issue of the MANY MORE who it has not helped and to offer them other options. I also need to say that not agreeing with the beliefs of another does not mean I do not, or can not believe in them, in their integrity as a human and the validity of their views. I know how important this topic is to all the individuals living with this illness or devoting their lives toward treating this illness. I want to strengthen this process, not tear it down. But if dissecting it is part of understanding it well enough to build new ways, more effect ways of dealing with it, then that is where I am willing to begin. My hope is that others will join in this discussion.