Power

Today the negative talk started. It’s that internal voice that echos all the negative, hurtful things that have been said to you by others.

“You’re a looser”
“You’re Ugly”
“You’re Fat”
“You’re a bad mother”
“You’re not responsible”
“You’re a failure”
“You CAN’T”
“What’s WRONG with you?”
“Why would I want YOU?”

And they play, over and over on automatic in my head. No rewind required. It’s a steady flow of berating and debasement coming from myself. I can see the person who originally spoke them. Their hate, their spit in my face, their rage and poignant focus as they aim at my soul to take me down. I can see him, I can see her, I can see them, but the voice is my own. My own subtle hiss of a voice that knows how to seep into my veins. It’s a voice that alludes the rational of the brain and short trips it’s way directly to my sensory hub; it gets right to my soul. And my soul is so tender it curls and ducks to try to stop the attack, not knowing how to fight back the person it’s designed to love. It’s all these dark words. And “Stick and stones, … but names will never hurt me” Oh no, how tragically inaccurate that statement is because physically I’m a bull. I can take a hit, punch me, beat me and the only way it’ll leave a mark is if those fists are attached to someone I care about.  Physical attacks mend easily. What stays is the trauma suffered spiritually, emotionally and mentally from those attacks. And I guess in the most technical sense a verbal attack is a physical attack. Words are actions after all. They are calculated manifestations of decisions somebody has made and when they are aimed at somebody they are weapons. I know. And that is why I laid mine down a couple of weeks ago. I am great with words. They are what I wield. Very few can beat me and those that can I turn into mentors. So I held my tongue. I held back my bullets. And I allowed the attack to continue, fearing more about pain I could cause in retaliation. It was realizing this that provided the ammo I needed to defend against the self beratement. Yes. Because only the truly powerful can stand in defense of someone who is aiming to hurt them. Only the truly powerful know their power well enough to control it. And I do. And I would not become the hate filled, arrogant specimen I saw before me. I felt bad for him, for her and them. I pitied them. Because I saw their fate. I knew their future. They will be alone. And even when they find companionship it will be for the wrong reasons. They will never be happy. They’re too afraid to be. They hide from themselves and expect me to be injured by the attacks of their projected self. But it’s nothing but a light show. Special effects designed to trick the eye. And once I realize this I realize everything. They are weak. And they need to create a show that brings me to my knees if they are to have any power over me.

HaHa
You have no power over me.

Enjoy this, it’s an oldie but goodie:

The power is all in her head and she can chose to wield it against herself or on her own behalf. He’s done everything she’s asked him to…. she was always in control. It’s realizing this when you finally grasp the power of your own mind, to create or destroy. The one you’re really fighting is you. How will you stand? For or against? And that’s when you realize why the other people are talking to you this way, why you even have anything at all to do with them… because you’ve allowed it, maybe even asked for it. So disallow it and send them away. With one statement:

“You have no power over me”







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A couple months ago I blogged about a man I know- the blog was titled “Gilded Mediocrity”- here’s the link:

http://nokomis-daughterofthemoon.blogspot.com/2011/08/guilded-mediocrity.html

I’m mindful of it now more then I have been since I wrote it because the stark reality of what is allowed to some and denied to others has hit me hard over the last few days. I saw him again. And it was worse then before. And because of the line of work he is in I wonder – is it my obligation to put him on blast and hold him accountable for his irresponsible behavior, or can I just walk away, should I just walk away, and let karma do what it does if it in fact will do so this time? Is it my place? Is it any one’s place, to call out something we know is bad? Or are we doing something bad because we may get someone else in trouble?

I know this man intimately. He has done plenty to me to give me good reason to seek revenge. So if I tell what I know is it or is it not just a jealous woman striking out? For certain that is trivial behavior. To seek revenge is infantile. But is it revenge when it’s serious business? When the safety and well being of others is at risk including the individual himself?

I’m struggling with this answer because I feel guilty. Had he reciprocated my feelings would I still be feeling this way?

Answer-
YES.

I would. Only I’d blast him in person instead of on this page. I’d rant and rave and yell and scream and cry and beg because if he’d reciprocated any of my feelings I’d feel that all those things might help in some way. But they won’t. He continues to live a lie. To advertise himself as a rehabilitation specialist while getting high and drunk just feet from where he is rehabilitating others. He is on TV. Nationally promoting a system and facility of his design, being quoted in magazines, newspapers and websites as an expert on parenting, when he has no control and integrity in his own person. It makes me sick. Not from my anger, but from my confusion. Because I want to bury everything I know and pretend it doesn’t exist. If I yell this out loud he will never forgive me. Just as my son’s father would never forgive my decision to have his child. Because he knew his child in the world would expose everything ugly about himself he was trying to hide. And I’m the enemy; Enemy number one. I’m to blame for not allowing them to hide. Their own choices are never to blame. I’ve learned so much about addicts that disappoints me.

And I want to say nothing. Even now, I do not have the strength to say his name, reveal who he is, because I don’t want his hatred, his accusations, his admonishments. They’d hurt like hell. Because I can’t get over him. And so I’m enabling him. Just like all the rest.

But am I? Is it not my right and perhaps the right course of action to simple take myself out of this scenario? Fate will catch up with him. People always end up doing themselves in. But in the process, how many others get hurt or fall prey? But I’m not a hero. And I don’t want to be. I want to be happy and lately I’ve been miserable. Miserable at home and sick in the heart. And I can’t be anymore. I hate the indecision. I hate the turmoil. And that is right now my strongest motivating force. To get myself right I have to move away from this. I have to do no more with it. But I feel wrong in the process.

This is real for me. It has been way before I met him and will be afterward. And here I stand. All alone because of it. Because I can’t ignore what I know is wrong but really can’t do anything about it.

Who would I tell?
Who would listen to me?
I’m a broke single mom with six blog readers.
He’s a wealthy, ivy league graduate, nationally syndicated.

Why would anyone believe I was anything more then a jealous harpy?
And then I’d be ruined and damned deeper.

It’s better to walk away. I hate it but it’s true. Because I stand to loose a whole lot too.
Is that what the early witnesses of Sandusky’s behavior thought? Yet another man seeming to be “helping” children, when really he was just luring them in.

He’s threatened me. He’s told me if I blast him I’ll have war. He attacked me physically after inviting me to his home. I believe I’m a drug to him and it’s easier for him to lash out at me and place the blame on me then look at himself and take responsibility for his actions. I’m tired and depressed by this whole ordeal. Fair enough what I know I will pass on to anyone who asks. He’s horrendous and I feel terrible about it. I believed in him but he was a fantasy not the truth. His truth is far too ugly for him to wear in public. Best to let go,… and let Jesus take the wheel.