After all this time, I finally have
I don’t blog everyday. It’s a burden too great for me. Everyday is not the day I feel something inspired. So I wait. And sometimes it takes too long. But it always comes eventually. Today is one of
“This is all about a boy, just to warn you,…”
I was standing on Platform 3 at the Stamford station waiting for my train to arrive. The feelings running through me, swarming and churning like the air of this tropical storm we’re expecting, were a rapture inside me and the heat from their tumult was making me flush.
This is all about a boy, just to warn you, so if you feel that is too plebeian a topic for this grand introduction discontinue reading. You will only be disappointed. Because these thoughts, the ones that came and finally inspired another blog, are all about a boy; a boy I wish I could dignify these feelings for by calling a man but alas, no. That’s not meant as a dig. He is everything delicious and irresistible that could and have inspired such feelings but if you knew him, believe me, boy is the better description. Did I fall in love with him? I don’t know. I don’t think so but none the less he affected me and deeply so what does it matter that it wasn’t (or may have been) love? It was movement and it has shaken me. Thankfully some coherent thoughts have finally surfaced, after all the muck and steam, fractured rock and molten lava of emotions have run themselves out, and I can finally articulate something useful from this experience. As I stood on Platform 3, looking at the empty train tracks just beneath me I realized this: when you decide to change the things you like to make another person happy you are moving in the wrong direction. If you are (and by YOU I mean ME) ignoring or neglecting those things in your life, putting aside those people in your life, that are important to you in order to enjoy time and experiences with this new person but they are making none of those sacrifices for you – they, in fact, only make time when they have no other option or opportunity that beckons – you have an absolute obligation to the sanctity of your person to end that relationship. Because clearly you value them but they do not value you. And if they are not reciprocating the value you place on them then you, whether or not maliciously- say, by default-, are being devalued. That is not something you can allow. Unfortunately it is also not something you can change. You can’t change someone else’s perceptions. You can’t change someone else’s values or priorities. You can’t change someone – period. You can of course inspire someone to change, but that sort of inspiration is not
Staring at the train tracks I realized I had no choice but to make the decision I made and move on from this bit of deliciousness that had me licking my lips as well as my tears. I valued him. I looked forward to our interactions and missed him in his absence. Happiness would flood me when he’d connect and melancholy when we’d say goodbye. Normal stuff when you’re attracted to somebody. Natural. And so the choice to move away from it seemed almost irrational. In fact it came as an impulsive response to a discovery I made late one night but also it had been building for some time and really just erupted from that final strain. I’m sorry he didn’t see my worth. I’m sorry he didn’t find value in those things I was offering him. I’m sorry he didn’t reciprocate my interest equally. But it makes no sense to stay where you’re sorry about so much. And the same goes for him. To stay with somebody who is always moving in a different direction, who expects more than they are willing to give, or, better stated, who expects more than you can give while maintaining your own happiness, why are you staying? What fantasy has possessed your mind so integrally that your are walking through life with your eyes wide open but not seeing a thing? Oh please don’t call it love. We have to get rid of that antiquated, wholly inaccurate and completely dangerous use of the word, that what I just described is love. It most certainly is not. It’s escape. It’s addiction. It’s a high. It is not love. I have felt real, true, pure and unconditional love, and I guarantee it does not make you blind or high or float or fly – it makes you free! It makes you see. It’s makes you better then you were before not
lost at sea.
|from Breathethefullest.tumblr.com – Anhung Photography|
|Lost at Sea by Victoria Obscure – DeviantArt|
|Lost at Sea by Inessa-emilia – DeviantArt|
Believe me, love lifts you to higher levels on your own two feet. You can’t loose yourself if it’s really love because love requires your presence and continued participation. You are a part of love; when you get lost it ceases to exist. I don’t think I loved this person because I never had the chance to really know him, or show him who I was, to be completely present in his presence. I needed more time. And to invest more time I needed more reciprocity.
The ingredients weren’t there. He wasn’t present. Physical proximity had nothing to do with it. I know you can feel lonely in the physical presence of one person and warmth from the sound of someone’s voice over the phone. It’s about the energy they share with you. But they have to share. If not they are a black hole and you will be lost forever. So I found myself on Platform 3 this morning while waiting for the express train. I found myself hurting and sad but finally okay with my decision to disconnect from a person that will continue to bring a smile to my face every time I remember his face, his smile, the sound of his voice. I can’t imagine not looking lovingly at our photos. Right now, I can’t imagine not missing him. Thankfully I’m not that 20 year old girl I used to be. The one that didn’t know that the hurt eventually subsides and that new, equally wonderful things follow. So I take solace in my daily routine, dropping off my son at school, waiting for my train, stressing over deadlines and looking forward to weekend plans with friends, because my life experiences have taught me that moving forward is the only way to start a whole new journey.
Thank you to @breathethefullest.tumblr.com
Thank you to VictoriaObscure @DeviantArt
Thank you to Inessa-emilia @DeviantArt